-Insert Big Impressive Word-

Jesus what can I bring

2007-02-25T02:07:00.000-08:00

what can I give.

I guess you could say I'm giving much less nowadays.

Like my first time when I caught fire. I miss it when I could feel so passionate about God.

Jesus take me, keep me for a while.

all I do is keep breathing.

on a sidenote, there are many good movies out, don't have the time to watch them though.

ain't it funny

2007-02-24T06:51:00.000-08:00

People surprise you all the time. The most insignificant hi-bye friend can turn out to be far more concerned about you than you can imagine. Sometimes we should probably take some time to appreciate the many friends whom we neglect so easily because to them we might just mean more than we can imagine.

flip flip, every coin has two sides.

where was I when they handed out the knowing-you-are-loved

I may stumble yeah I might fall

2007-02-20T03:07:00.000-08:00

I'm only human but aren't we all?

They do say that whenever you look back and reflect, things do seem a lot better tha they actually were and most of us probably do not have pen and paper to put down how we feel at every instant, every conflict, every emotional ripple. Maybe we do look back in wisdom but recording events long after they take place do seem like the best available form of reliving moments in our lives. Which is sad since it doesn't allow us to relive th moments to the fullest. Ah I'm growing old.

I'm rather nervous about results but at the same time too preoccupied to think about it. I wonder if I'd get stressed out if it just sits there at the back of my head and explodes as the actual day draws near. In the rare moments I am free and not too tired to let my thoughts roam, I do relive the math paper the chem paper and the english essays. Oh well there's no stopping it from coming so what the heck.

I feel like cinderella on book in days. Bailing on my friends at 6pm everytime. Apart from the fact that I'm not exactly living a fairytale, that came to me as quite amusing.

So hello good friend

We break we bend with hand in hand

2007-02-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

Stuck without a captain or a chart
no one seems to know just who to follow anymore
Hang on
Hang on
There's a twilight, a night time and a dawn
who knows, how long
So hang on
hang on

Happy new year? What's so bad about the last one?

Cadence

2007-02-03T22:36:00.000-08:00

I probably should be writing more often. Somehow my english is deteriorating such that I'm not even sure if I just spelt that word correctly.

So I enlisted on the 12th of January. It's ironic how my hygiene levels have increased after going in to tekkong. You become more conscious and start washing your face more often, brush your teeth more frequently and bathe as many times a day as possible. Anyway so camp's been nothing short of what I expected except for the training and punishment part. I guess it got dubbed the 'welfare company' for a reason. My fitness level is actually decreasing and I clocked a 2.4 timing slower than what I could manage in sec 3. So much for boys to men.

Paradox aside, the place has been rather mundane where all one ever looked forward to was breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime. Last night there was supposed to be some outing to clark quay with platoon mates and it's just the second weekend. Oh how the world forgets and abandons. To say story of our lives would sound like wallowing in self pity. I didn't go with them. Not that I didn't want to watch soccer, I was just afraid to take that first step. The step in which your take your social life in both hands and cross over to the world of army boys.

Church wasn't that bad. It felt good in fact, the failiar feel of the auditorium. God's peace you could say. Sermon and all wasn't all that I had hoped for but the visit was mainly to let me rememebr what church feels like. I know people probably don't mean any harm when they ask about army and life in camp but it just makes me feel even more detached. I really appreciated the few people who came across in more of a let's-pick-up-where-we-left-off manner. Then again you could say they probably didn't care enough to ask.

So it seems nothing anyone does will bring me over from behind the margin to where everybody else is. It's a ns state of mind you see. Everything just seems bad and worse and when you get back to camp you spend your time in there looking forward to the next weekend where you can feel it all over again. Funny isn't it?

There's no end to what I'd give to know.

Some snow would be nice

2007-01-09T05:49:00.000-08:00

That's what I thought when it kept raining this holidays.

One of those days I took bus service 51 and slid down memory lane. How appropriate for it to pass jurong entertainment centre at the start. It was where we hung out. All over the floor it was our space. We needed no chairs or tables, just a space on the floor and a portion of a wall. I loved it. I guess we all did. The place's changed, fittingly so since the school moved out of west coast, our west coast. No more large spaces of floor, it's all shops and push carts now. We've all grown up haven't we my dear entertainment centre.

The old rv buliding's being renovated into commonwealth secondary school. It's a sad sight and a hard one to bear as well. I never thought I would feel like a part of that school while I was in it. The world outside didn't turn out to be a better place and I'm so sorry I wanted out all the time. The basketball courts, the principal's office, the classrooms, the hall, it all belonged to us as much as we belonged to it. The backgate which we climbed every other day. The street soccer court nearby which we proceeded to after scaling the gate. God knows how much I miss those days.

I wanted to write more, but I decided not to because no one else would understand. And for those who've been there, we all know what it was like and what RV stood for and will stand for in our lives. We all know it's beyond what words can describe. It sounds cliche but it's true and when we meet decades after we've graduated, we'll still remember west coast.

You don't know me you don't even care.

Tell me am I very far

2007-01-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

Army lies ahead.

I'm not afraid of joining the Army. More than anything I'm afraid of change, of loss. It's not like going to a new school or a new class, it marks the end of so much and the beginning of what is less. Yes. No. Sir. Wow they even have the speech to go with the lesser life.

If you haven't noticed yet I'm not exactly optimistic about serving the country for two green years.

So it seems I can be distracted by the unpleasant things which lay behind. A levels and the politcs of life. I could look forward to Army I guess. A fresh start or a temporary honeymoon from it all whatever it is, the irony remains in how 'always look on the bright side of life' can turn into a case of 'the lesser of two evils'.

Well I might as well touch on what lay behind. A levels wasn't terrific for me. I screwed up my maths for sure and I'm not sweeping As in the other sunjects either. What I've brought away from the ACSperience? A whole host of contacts and a couple of good friends. The keepers versus the others. I'm glad for the few of them.

Tell me all your thoughts on God, tell me am I very far. Indeed I am.

Who set the stars in their place?

2007-01-09T05:03:00.000-08:00

I decided it would be a great pity were this blog to go to waste and rot and have hence decided to revive it. I guess I won't be having much time to do so in the future so I'll do a big update now.

Perhaps God would be a good place to start the year and the revival, and I do hope I don't just mean the blog here.

So God. Jesus. Beautiful Saviour. Beautiful stranger. It's sort of like a high profile person in school. You've heard the name, heard all about her, seen for yourself how pretty she is but just haven't gotten down to speaking to and knowing her. I've witnessed God in the lives of so many week in week out in church yet ever so often I find myself asking to be put in such positions and asking for God to grace me with a miracle or two every now and then. I wish God would talk to me. I'm so ashamed of a life in which so often the voice of a conscience simply isn't enough to change it. In fact not having a strong physical encounter with God might just be keeping me going. The hope that there is something out there strong enough to deliver the change in your life does sustain us more than we can usually imagine. I've often wondered what it would be like when the time comes and God speaks to me and tells me to get out of this ditch, and each time I've been so afraid of the possibility that it might not be enough to turn me away.

Say it for me, say it to me, and I'll leave this life behind me. Easier said than done's found it's meaning there.

Who set the stars in their place? Maybe the stars chose to be where they are. Maybe they've experienced the cruelty of freedom too.

beneath, among and rising above

2006-09-10T09:04:00.000-07:00

Breathe in, check out the ripples. Bubbles. Surface

A lot of life is in liquid. Can't stay above the surface forever, it's simply too exhausting to live it. Can't stay beneath it forever either. Even dead bodies float.

Haven't you heard? Morbid's the new emo.

where it's soft

2006-08-31T07:42:00.000-07:00

There are those whom you need more than they need you, then there are those who need you more than you need them and finally there are those who make up your community and your world, the ones who make you feel like you belong somewhere and more often than not this feeling overshadows the actual relationships you have with the various individuals in the group.

Joakim. They do make a lot of noise about his staying on in Singapore Idol don't they? How people are voting for his pretty face instead of his singing ability, and how they have turned Singapore Idol into a superficial popularity contest. He got out today, real good for him. But our media is really full of bullshit. They open voting to the masses and expect it to NOT be a popularity contest. Rather presumptuous isn't it? To assume that everything knows a thing or two about singing. If it is a contest purely on vocal ability why open voting lines? Might as well let a panel of judges who are competent enough to judge one's singing ability decide the winner. I don't know anything about singing, most of the contestants sound good to me, I don't know who is better or worse and many times I think someone sings better merely because I like the song he is singing. You can't expect the masses to know and if they vote based on looks it's not their fault either. I mean even the deaf are entitled to vote right? How are they to vote then? Singapore idol is such a scam. I mean it has been, is and always will be a popularity contest when voting is open to the masses and I've got no issue if the media didn't complain about that. Now that they did, they've simply shot themselves in the foot because then voting would be for the sole purpose of reaping(ripping) profits from the viewers. I mean if it was a contest based solely on singing you can depend solely on the judges can't you?

So I went for the commando interview yesterday and it's true what they say, 'If you're to serve two years anyway might as well do it with the best'. Plus although I could be in for living hell, it would be better than to be sitting there years from now thinking about what might have been. So I said I didn't mind joining he commandos but I might not get in still.

And then there will be the ones you'd always have a soft spot for. The ones who can need you more than you need them, have you need them more than they ever would you and be your whole world all at the same time.

walking the plank

2006-08-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

how would you do it? Inch slowly and with each step expect the next to give way, or use it as a springboard and go out with a bang, or splash rather. Prelims are making me morbid.

I screwed up again. I simply have no idea what I'm going to do when it comes to A levels. I studied quite a bit to be honest, until the papers came and I failed them one after another.

Sometimes I feel I'm not cut out for studying. Numbers and sums are not my thing. Then again it comes to you that God wouldn't make you a student if you weren't cut out for it. Honestly, I think that's bull. Most of the time people don't even get to choose whether or not they are students. I know I'm trying to reason out some form of escape, so what the heck.

I've been really detached from school life, or school people rather, since I would rather be caught dead than attribute life to the past term in school. It's mainly due to prelims and skipping of school. Not that I miss it, just a pity how I've strayed from people because of it.

It's not that I can't think of anything to write about, it's just that this should probably reflect how I'm so preoccupied with thinking about how screwed up my studies are that nothing else comes to mind. Not even the desire to do something about it. It's like I'm in a little wooden boat in the middle of a whirlpool. Just watching the ripples and following the course.

hi

2006-08-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

I've been studying by the way

Gayle :)

2006-07-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

Dang she got kicked out of singapore idol. I heard she quit school for a year to join the competition. Someday I want to do something brave like that too. Someday I want to stop hearing my voice in the vast sea of cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. Someday, I want to stop talking about someday.

rain rain

2006-07-17T05:19:00.000-07:00

Sarah Yang, a guest speaker who came to church recently shared about her project on the ark and how God was opening the floodgates of heaven, very literally. The bay area in california NEVER EVER SNOWED and it snowed. She gave a whole host of other evidence and an account of angel visitations. There was so much which matched the stuff in the story of noah's ark and she said God told her that the flood was coming to asia.

I turned on the news just now and indonesia hd some tsunami alert, china's flooding and there's some shit in korea too. And everywhere around the world, rain water levels have risen. Yeah it's scary but it's a real wake up call. Everything we have and want can just disappear in one instant if another tsunami really comes. In fact, the last one only missed us because sumatra blocked us. And if indonesia goes first it'd only be a matter of time we'd be finding nemo as well.

I hate drifting. And the part that I hate most about it is when the other person doesn't even realise it. I've already made it clear time and time again it's ridiculous to drift when everyone is an sms or a call away. So sometimes I really think you don't really care anymore. I was going to say so do I, but I know it's not true and that's what sucks the most.

Where do you want to be when the waves come crashing down? In the arms of a loved one or fighting till the very last breath? There's a non-reproducable kind of romance in spending the night with someone with the knowledge that the sun would not rise tomorrow. It's like front row tickets to armagaddon, for real. Grab your pop corn and pick a spot :)

And so runs the calander

2006-07-14T08:07:00.000-07:00

If I was numb a week before, I'm rather paralysed by now. I'm sure every year by this time there would be people who feel this way, like the convicted awaiting the guillotine. While very consciously aware that we don't live in movies, hope is still borne on that zorro-like figure who'd swoop you away from the blade. The hope that comes with the knowledge that it is too late to do much to change the course of all this.

I want to go for Bay Beats, some music festival at the esplanade, the sort with bands and gigs. The thought of the crowd does put me off a little though.

I was watching a documentary called mixing with the best on discovery travel. I love watching people mix cocktails though you know at the end of it you're just gonna be wanting to taste it and knowing you can't at the same time. Not to mention having to watch the host gulp it down with an enjoyable 'ah!'. How annoying.

Surprisingly, paris hilton's new single is rather catchy, in a thrashy way but still it sounds good somehow.

five and a half

2006-07-05T06:03:00.000-07:00

that's the number of weeks I have till prelims. And honestly, I'm so afraid that I've gotten numb. I have so much uncovered and it's really going to take a miracle for me to do well. It's not that I'm not studying, I jus don't seem to be getting it right. A lot of it seems alright when I'm actually looking at it in notes or tutorials but when it comes to tests and actual questions I just screw up all the time.

I am so scared right now, I spend more time thinking about how screwed I am than actually doing something about it.

I don't want to fall short of all you made me to be.

Sympathy

2006-06-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

It's the easiest thing to give but sometimes the hardest thing to receive. I mean it's innate(at least for most of us) to feel sympathatic towards people whom we feel are in a pathetic state, see where the word comes from? However most of the time people don't realise that most people do not want sympathy. In fact it is one of the hardest let's say gifts, to receive. Partly because we recognise the innate reaction of the person and we usually wouldn't want to admit that we are on the deserving end of sympathy, ie in a pathetic state. So I've come to realise recently that sometimes people don't respond when everybody around them is trying to help them, because what they really need is perhaps a more practical response and this may sound exaggerated but saying things like 'that sucks man, wouldn't wanna be ya' would actually make them open up to you admist all the 'awww take care' and 'I'm trying to help you'

I had a lot more stuff to put here but I cannot remember the rest of it, hahahaha.

Okay let's try a lighter entry for once, erm yeah I watched quite a number of movies this holidays, she's the man, the omen, the da vinci code, coming to think about it that's like nearly 30 dollars down the drain. Yeah the monopoly of the big screens.

okay I'm still rather slow with studying, aiyah you know what they say chuan2 dao4 qiao2 tou2 zi4 ran2 zhi2 I miss speaking in chinese and I know I'm going to be really out of touch with it again once school reopens. oh and I'm supporting argentina for the world cup, at least they weren't disappointing this time and made it to second round.

The Voice Inside My Head

2006-06-13T06:24:00.000-07:00

Yes you know it, that voice reminding you about the one flaw, one mistake and one thing you've been running from all the while. A week ago, that voice came alive, spawning into form right before my very eyes and I really thank God for making this happen because I'm rid of that nightmare now, and this illustration being extremely appropriate since it does feel really surreal even as I look back at it.

David Pierce set the wheels in me into motion with that madly emphatic sermon on how he leads a lifestyle surrounded by sin yet is kept safe in God's arms and the way he processes his thoughts when making decisions.

I've always stood up for rights, how we should have the rights to know certain things, rights of choices in situations, the freedom of expression, the freedom to use our lives however we deem fit, and among that, subconsciously deciding that I should follow the parts of God's word that I like and avoiding the parts which I didn't like too much. I was always confident about my ability to tell right from wrong, thinking about the grey areas of life and reasoning them out myself and hence forming principles one after another.

Now I've learnt that rights are a luxury and freedom at it's best as man sees it, is an extravagant form of selfish madness. Absolute freedom is empty, it is a life of options. It's empty because then we are forever insatiable, meaning there are always going to be that many goals and ambitions and purposes in life and with absolute freedom to pursue everything, we would end up with only an insignificant portion of everything. In fact total surrender and submission to God is, was and always will be most fulfilling. And contrary to what most people might think, what God made you to be is actually a far more conceivable notion than the infinite number of goals possibly achievable in our life on earth.

Through much drama and craziness before and after the church camp, I've experienced myself how satisfying it feels to do right by God. How wonderful it feels to be nice and good altogether. How wonderful it feels to shut that voice up, the one that takes the form of our conscience everytime we cling on to our rights and freedom with dear life and let that individualistic margin dictate our every move.

And even as I write this I know that people will read and people will be skeptical or even think this is hilarious bullshit, but I've been running from even blogging about this for a while, and if I am even afraid to blog about what God has taught me and the kind of person I long to become, how am I possibly to ever live it out? As the song goes

Empty hands held high
Such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight

I know the holidays will end, I will be back to school once again and far from the church. I know I will be tested time and again and I will fail time and again. But I'm glad I've been shown the right direction already and I know it would be up to me to walk along the arrows. Cornelius said something which really struck me during the camp, something about not being afraid to proclaim our beliefs just because we do not live perfectly by them. Of course there's a fine line between taking the right amount of comfort in that and taking God's grace for granted, so I guess I just have to be really careful there.

Submission is the key to true freedom which means to not be bound by the options and choices of worldly freedom. That is what is meant by freedom in christ. The beauty of the paradox.

Regaining Unconciousness

2006-05-29T07:43:00.000-07:00

First they put away the dealers
Keep our kids safe and off the streets
Then they put away the prostitutes
Keep married men clustered at home
Then they shooed away the bums
and they beat and bashed the queers
Turned away asylum seekers
Fed us suspicions and fears
We didn't raise our voice
We didn't make a fuss
It's funny there was no one left to notice
When they came for us

Personally, I don't like the song, or at least not as much as I like the lyrics. Discrimination is inevitable and it is a force which nearly reigns supreme in this world, and it really is pathetic that people are dealing with it by trying to fit into the majority of whichever system. What's even sadder is that this is happening even among the people who fight so hard for human rights, freedom etc. I mean what kind of dumb fuck would fight for freedom, and use his freedom to make a choice dictated by the majority of society.

But it's true, nobody has enough guts to be who we really desire to be, assuming that is a different person from what society wants you to be. The sad truth is you'd rather follow the school into the net, because swimming alone in the sea is not the kind of freedom you actually want. I actually admire say gays and lesbians who aren't afraid to be who they are.

So there's been a lot of drama in my life this weekend and I've learnt really that you do things better when you do not think about yourself first. I mean we see that all the time, players who put their team first, patriots who put their country first and the list goes on. And it's a pity to say this but a lot of times when it comes down to the crunch, God's presence isn't exactly the first thing you base your actions on. So the next best thing is to think for the people around you and to do right by them. It's amazing how much more strength one can draw from wanting to protect his loved ones than from motivations of a more predatory nature. History speaks for itself, a country looking to conquer never wins a war, instead the victors are always those who fight to protect.

Nice entry.

of flunking and flukes

2006-05-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

It's high time I did well in something, excellence has eluded me for a long long time now, I miss my old friend.

Right, school term's coming to an end. It's supposed to mark the end of bumming around and the beginning of A level preparations. I'm so damn afraid of not getting enough done this holidays. I mean since secondary school EVERY holiday was about playing non-stop till the last couple of days where the realisation that there's work to be done sits in. This June has to be different.I'm thinking if I tell myself that constantly it actually will be different.

I hate being sick. Now I have to take my NAPFA alone tmr during my free periods.

I've been less stressed out recently, not that much has changed, but my teachers have stopped clamping down on me like hell and I don't know if that's a good thing but, suits me. Maybe it's the lack of training that makes me feel more alive during lessons.

I've been straying from people. Damn I hate it when for no rhyme or reason we become strangers. It's like you've always had it at the back of your head that we're all going to meet up soon but just never got down to it. And when it hits you it's already too late, when you realise you can't even maintain a decent conversation without cracking your brain for topics. Unbelievable that this can happen in a world where everyone's just one phone call, or one sms or a click away.

I love the violin solo in only one by yellowcard. It's damn sex.

touch sight tastes like fire

2006-05-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

"If you think about physical intimacy as a form of communication with the body, it doesn't seem that obscene anymore does it?"

That got me thinking. So yes maybe God did invent sex for procreation, but what about foreplay or oral sex and other seemingly purposeless forms of intimacy? It kind of fits in well if all these were a form of communication. I mean what's the difference between a hug and a blowjob? They could both mean 'I love you', though the latter could be thought of as more expressive. It's like someone saying 'I love you' and another saying 'I love you so so so so much'. See what I mean? So I'm kind of wondering why the church is opposed to physical communication. If that be the case, declaring one's love verbally should also be obscene.

Oh and the latest term for contradictions or controversies about the bible is 'a da vinci' I made that up but it sounds kind of funny really.

If you allow something to happen to you, it will happen to you. And according to Murphy's law, everything that can go wrong will go wrong. No wonder life's so miserable. And the only solution to this is an endless resistance campaign against everything that can possibly go wrong in life, and that sure as hell is tiring. o.O scary.

It just occured to me

2006-05-10T05:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in a while.

So a fuckload of stuff happened since my last update. We're out of A div. Have one last match tmr though, hope myself and the other subs can get as much time as possible. The other people have had all season to show the school and everyone they are accountable to what they can do with the ball and surely they have no regrets even crashing out just last week. I hope I get a chance even if it's just to answer to myself alone.

Soccer's over, I feel kinda old. It's A levels and NS and then university. It sucks to not be a kid anymore. And looking back on all that time that would never come back, I think I've wasted so much of it. From secondary school all the way to jc1. From here on it's such a predictable road all the way till we're old and withered. Everyone wants to live a more than avergae life. Casanova lived for the moment and he had one hell of a time. It's kind of a fantasy though, I think, to live for the moment and come out of life with no regrets.

So today there was this speaker who spoke about foreign affairs and had a Q&A session. So this guy asked about how we should not be too pragmatic and focused on benefits instead the government should make decisions with the rest of humanity in mind. It's an ideal really, an ideal which most governments would claim to be. The speaker surprised me really with a no bullshit assessment of things and said that the government thinks of the people first and foremost. As Mel Gibson said in The Patriot 'I am a father. I do not have the luxury of principles' Moral principles are really second priority when you are responsible for the survival and welfare of a whole host of people be it family or country.

I guess I'll be going for the church camp, I hope something good comes out of it.

Oh and my stand on the gospel of judas? So what if jesus really told judas to betray him? As the story goes, Judas did suffer the reputation of a traitor in silence and was exalted when he died. It's not the big a controversy to me. It shows here that obedience to God even when what is requested seems absurd is what God is asking of us, and this is in line with what the rest of the bible teaches. So this would be only as big a controversy as say if John's name was supposed to be johnny or something like that.

Growing up's tough.

Red Zone

2006-05-01T07:07:00.000-07:00

We were at Jun Lynn's place last night and womeone happened to talk about the red zones of singapore. Not red light districts but red zones, meaning areas which are likely to be bombed first if we went to war. And bukit panjang is one of them, so is jurong, oh and I never knew why the roads in lim chu kang were so wide and had no barricades in the middle, until last night that is. It seems that was an emergency landing area for aircrafts in war.

Jun was telling us an amusing story about how her friend put staplets between her teeth and pretended to have braces LOL.

Anyway elections are around the corner, I just wish I was living in a contested zone like pasir panjang.

I wish I were given a chance when it mattered, I would hate it if I were given it when it doesn't matter anymore.

I think I'm gaining momentum with my studies and I guess it's full steam ahead from now on.

Three

2006-04-30T05:06:00.000-07:00

I think it's high time I updated

Three's company yup. How often do we think that a couple is being intruded when it's a threesome and there's somebody playing gooseberry. But sometimes couples have to think the other way when asking people out, I mean you might not mind having a lightbulb around but that person might mind being around a couple, and people always miss that out.

I was in the gym on friday and realised how stale it really smells.

What a long weekend and what a pile of homework I have as well. oh chelsea won the title.

Exploitation

2006-04-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

I've always had a complex about figures in authority, so I've been kinda rebellious since like p4. People usually don't like being taken advantage of, I'm okay with it a lot of the time with friends but when a teacher exploits me, I feel kinda pissed.

So my form teacher took advantage of the fact that I was in season to complain to the DM that I was rude to her in class blah blah. So he confiscated my blue slip and I had to miss the hwa chong match which was postponed anyway, but that is not the point. So he told me how I shouldn't be selfish and that I should think for the team, and how he could make me miss the rest of the matches if I didn't do what was right by him. And then he came up with the line of the century " I'm not threatening you, I'm just broadening your perspective". Right and he went on to talk about how my form teacher would be the one writing my testimonial. And so I was 'enlightened' to agree to apologise.

Another thing about the Dm was that he tried playing good cop and bad cop without a partner, meaning he yelled at me like hell and after an interval of time he became all nice and councellor-like. I hate it when people try tactics like these on me, it's okay if i don't realise it but when I realise the attempt at manipulating me I get really fucking upset. Oh and did I mention that I also fucking hate it when people ask rethorical questions?

So this has not been a good week.

2006-04-15T16:31:00.000-07:00

You will fly and you will crawl
God knows even angels fall.

The Art of Governance

2006-04-14T05:37:00.000-07:00

That's the dictionary definition MM lee gave when asked what politics was. Anyway yeah so he was shootinghimself in the foot throughout the whole programme and kept avoiding the point of some questions.

Right so when asked about political apathy he said that if people did not bother to vote and did not care about politics, it meant that the government was doing well. Yeah and pamela anderson's boobs are real. Political apathy means people do not care and therefore do not know if another governemnt could be doing a better job. How can it be a reflection of the present government's excellence? It could mean that the people are having their daily needs met and do not feel compelled to start an uprising that's all. It doesn't show that the government is doing a superb job. Plus he kinda had his tongue in a twist when one guy went on to ask how then are we going to have capable replacements for the next generation if people are apathatic about politics since the PAP walks over every year.

Anyway I do feel that the presence of a decent opposition is important in any country. Maybe I should run for elections, ha.

It's good friday. Oh right, the season of easter chocolate bunnies and eggs. And church of course. And how fitting that the gospel of judas has been on a rampage all over national geographic the past week. I do think the kiss of judas is a beautiful and timeless representation of betrayal.

note to self: stay alive

hook line and sinker

2006-04-06T06:20:00.000-07:00

I think I've taken them all and I simply can't believe it.

In so much of my life now I've hit the point where the only direction you can move is upwards. It's painfully liberating come to think of it, having nothing to lose anymore.

I used to want to prove people wrong a lot, people who really didn't matter at all. Teachers, parents etc. Ultimately, these people are but spectators to a life which only you are actually living out so whatever they say and whatever expectations they have of you aren't important at all. All that matters is answering to yourself. Plus I feel insulted if I could ever allow these insignificant spectators to be a part of my motivation to do well just because they've said somethings which make me want to prove them wrong. Besides, if you and God were the only two people whom you were ultimately held accountable to, life should be a lot less stressful too.

Of courese we all know that that isn't entirely feasible, we do have friends whom we would like being accountable to and I think what differentiates them from teachers and parents is that they go through the same shit we go through everyday. This makes them more than just mere spectators, they become people who can actually help us in a practical way even if it's just to provide the support and comfort we get from knowing we are all in this together.

So I was wondering, If someone set out to defame God by saying he is not capable of mercy, would he end up in heaven?

EOFF

2006-03-28T06:16:00.000-08:00

somebody kill me please.

So due to my fucked up results and the teachers' lack of faith in miracles, I've decided to surrender the biggest mistake of my life. I'm dropping physics.

I'm really disappointed with my E for literature. Though it was one mark away from a D, even that wouldn't have been good enough since I was expecting a C. Ah to hell with results.

So it's times like this where your jaded mind brings you to all the less conventional career options, don't get me wrong not stardom but just alternative routes. Nat says he wants to be a sailor and sail around the whole world. I wonder what it would be like to be a writer. Doing the math I figured a 300 page novel would take around 8 months to complete assuming you write like 400 words a day. Then there's lasic surgery which gives you a shot at being a pilot. Migration to a country life has its appeals as well. Why live life along the tried and tested?

Pride kills, it really does. And more often among friends than against strangers, pride makes people stubborn and less admitting of their mistakes. If you screwed up you screwed up, you can't expect your friends to continue having absolute confidence in your decisions when the facts are laid out in black and white. Friends are not obliged to have 100% faith in each other's decisions, respect them yes but everyone is entitled to his own opinion on other people's behaviour. And then they call that judgement. Yeah there's only a fine line in there where you have to condemn the sin not the sinner.

If everyone shed a part of their pride we'd all be a lot happier. Plus it's rather pathetic to live to satisfy an insatiable ego.

To become all that you are not, surrender all that you are to Him. That was original I don't know how it struck me.

Speech-

2006-03-24T05:47:00.000-08:00

less

Skin-Rascal Flatts

2006-03-19T06:37:00.000-08:00

Sarah Beth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn't been well
Since the day that she fell
And the bruises just won't go away
So she sits and she waits with her mother and dad
Flips through an old magazine
Till the nurse with the smile
Stands at the door
And says will you please come with me

Sarah Beth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white
Something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you
Six chances in ten it won't come back again
With the therapy we're gonna try
It's just been approved
It's the strongest there is
I think we caught it in time
Sarah Beth closes her eyes

She dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love is holding her close
And the soft wind is blowing her hair

Sarah Beth is scared to death
As she sits holding her mom
Says it would be a mistake
For someone to take
A girl with no hair to the prom
Oh, just this morning right there on her pillow
Was the coolest of any surprise
And she cried when she gathered it all in her hands
The proof that she couldn't deny
Sarah Beth closes her eyes

She dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love was holding her close
And a soft wind is blowing her hair

It's quarter to seven, that boy's at the door
And her daddy ushers him in
And when he takes off his cap
They all start to cry
Cause this morning where his hair had been
Softly she touches just skin

They go dancing, around and around
Without any cares
And her very first true love is holding her close
And for a moment she isn't scared

And I thought to myself, that was so damn sweet of him. It's a great story really plus the song's nice too so there.

So the week meant for redemption of my work comes to it's end, wish me luck.

hamster farm

2006-03-15T05:19:00.000-08:00

yeah that's what my house seems like right now, so it appears that in the few hours between when the batch of baby hamsters were conceived and when I separated the father from her, they had a goodbye shag. And now four more babies have entered into the world and I have what nine hamsters in total and only two bins.

I've given up trying to preserve my sense of hearing and have decided to succumb to the creative warehouse clearence sale and get a Zen micro. Yeah it's old but still the best so far in my opinion. Plus it's going at like 200 for the 4GB ones so what the heck. Yeah and I was wondering who in the wrong mind actually has 2500 songs? Oh well extra space won't kill will it?

I've mugged every single day since monday, at home, in school and at the library. I must say the queenstown library is a really good place to study in. It's the only library I know of where you don't get kicked out for studying your own material. I'm getting very scared for terms now that it's like wednesday already and I haven't touched physics which is the first paper on monday. Studying outside with people isn't exactly productive but staying in a house with a bed, coputer and tv isn't exactly the least distractive place to hit the books either.

Ever had someone make things worse though the intentions were good to start with? I hate it when people think the blame is completely lifted just because their intentions were good. If you screwed up, you screwed up. I'd rather you have started with horrid and selfish intentions but end up doing the right or at least not the wrong thing. If people were to become blameless just because they had nice intentions stalin would be a saint.

Get Real

2006-03-13T05:01:00.000-08:00

I think this is like the first time I've ever watched a full programme on channel news asia, they do have a lot of good programmes but it always happens to be screening some boring political news whenever I turn to the channel. Anyway back to the topic. So Get Real was discussing the teenage curfew and omg the parents interviewed had this awfully sickening I-am-right and matter-of-fact tone. It's really revolting having parents speak in such a condescending manner in a if-you-don't-listen-to-me-you'll-screw-up-real-bad way. And then they'll be the absolutely forgiving parents when the prodigal son returns. Sheesh give me a break, you people have such romantic fantasies one day you'll be sitting there all old and wrinkled when you finally realise it's not going to happen and you've spent more time trying to be an ideal parent in your own self-adoring eyes and the eyes of society that you've missed out on a proper relationship with your children.

On a side note, so this celebrity blogger infamous for her stand on promiscious sexual activities appeared on the show and I was really shocked by what she looked like in person. With the level of confidence reflected by her entries i had thought she would turn out to be a real sex bomb, but no it was nowhere near. Oh well but that's none of my business.

Right creative is having a sale I'm kinda into the neon light zen player. It looked pretty good in the picture.

So I have to mug my holidays away. Damnit. I hope i do come outof this with some decent grades. The literature paper on friday was alright but I really have to pass the rest. The j3s are kinda freaking me out nowadays too. The criteria for courses in local universities have really sky rocketed. I'm counting on a great deal of cambridge mercy this year.

I hate listening to divorced women go all sore about their ex-husbands and how they are all rotten and behave in the same predictible cheating way. If I were them I would be embarrassed more than anything else to even comment on the topic. If they are all so predictible and such assholes you must have been a bloody dumb fuck to have fallen head over heels in love in the first place. Furthermore complaining isn't going to help you get over it any faster. I'm alright with them cautioning other married women but there is a very very clear line between caution are useless bitter whining and wallowing in self pity. And when confronted about this they would become all over-bearing with the "yes all women are stupid". Really such people are insults to mankind, no pun intended.

Church weekend was rather fun, probably because this week's a holiday. Anyway so I met up with ephraim and I realised our friendship has changed a lot. Distance really does do something to people. We were close before and now it's constantly in a okay-we-haven't met-up-in-a-while-so-what's-new kind of stage. It's catching up everytime we meet so we aren't really getting any more involved in each other's lives. Dependence has also decreased by heaps but I guess I'm rather used to it now. Plus I've gotten to know other people in cell better like hannah.

Time to hit the books. how exciting~

The common man

2006-03-07T04:45:00.000-08:00

People follow two things. Fear and courage. More often than not the former. People follow fear because it's part of our primal instincts to keep ourselves safe from whatever threatens. People follow courage because they want to be part of something they know they would never have enough guts to pull off on their own. Humans are really prigs, wanting to keep safe yet at the same time wanting to achieve things which involve risks. Anyway so great leaders aren't actually just those who are extremely brave, or those who are benovelent beyond benovelent but actually those who can wield courage and make people fear them at the same time. I mean that's how you get most people to follow you. In my opinion Caesar was a great leader and hitler was quite a fuck-up.

Yeah I thought of this because I watched braveheart recently, I think Mel Gibson made a masterpiece out of this story. The one other movie I've watched more times than this was Armagaddon and I think it was only because of the good soundtrack.

Goodness I do look forward to the march holidays. I need that one week break as hell.

vampires

2006-03-05T04:37:00.000-08:00

I've always thought the theory of them was kinda sexy. I like that time period as well. I guess by saying this what I have in mind is bram stroker's dracula. I've always liked that semi-modern time period anyway. Actually I like the medieval ages as well. But anything beyond that is way too savage and uncivillised for my liking.

I don't like our time or whatever our future looks like becoming. There's too little detail about everything and too little attention on anything as well. There's so much to do in our lives, I'm not saying it's a bad thing but for us life equals activity. That sometimes I think it would be nice to lead a simple life with a small number of people involved in it. You'll have time to experience so much more of the people around you rather than just jam your ife up with stuff to do.

I'm particularly a fan of the athena brand of beauty and dressing. Modern fashion simply does not interest me at all.

The weekend was refreshing as usual with church. Shared values among people do make our interactions a lot easier and less stressful, I mean there's not too much to accept or question or watch out for. Sometimes though I think it is also because the church is the place where we learn about all these "proper" values that people are all nice and easy to communicate with because they want to live out these principles. Yeah I know probably all of us aren't half as good as we are in church, sucks doesn't it, but I mean having a place to experiment isn't such a bad thing, as long as you're not insistent on that being your ultimately true self I think it is more or less harmless and useful to some people.

Right new life, 4 baby hamsters. Much thanks to cleo who is gonna take a few of them from me. Anyway from birth till now which is no more than 2 weeks, it's been interesting watching those little animals grow.

I'm currently toying with the idea of going to SMU in the future. The environment is really much more appealing than NUS.

corner of the eye

2006-03-04T06:44:00.000-08:00

I wonder how much happens right next to us without us actually realising.

Erm so this week sucked, being sick with a 5-day mc and all. Being sick is not fun at all, in fact you feel quite fucked up.

The A level results were out this week, not that they affected me but kinda scary seeing people get shitty grades and at the rate I'm going I'm headed for those grades too. I really have to buck up but some of my teachers realy have zero patience so I don't really have anyone to go to for help.

I don't feel like writing much, this week's been uneventful, I had like tons of stuff to do on friday, some friend's birtday outing, the rage against the serene and the fever confrence 06. I felt down and out for some reason so I just went home. Life is really draining at the moment.I'm still feeling very weak not having eaten any meat for like a whole week.

I always try to talk to you. I preferred it when we were close and alone.

fever bath

2006-02-25T06:01:00.000-08:00

I'm having a fever.

I think my temperature is freaking high. I nearly froze to death at church just now. Not to mention blow out so much mucus I must have lost like 5kg.

So I came home with my blood kind of frozen. I'm not kidding that's really what it felt like. I think cold unlike heat, eats you from inside instead of from outside.

I was sort of in a trace in the shower, turning the water on to insanely high temperatures. It felt so good, the water hitting me but judging from the steam I knew it was at a temperature much higher than what I usually use. The ecstacy of it was simply indescribable at the same time my body was warming up all at once from inside while I was semi-conscious of the scalding on the outside. I wonder what it would be like to die like that. Ah dark pleasure.

Then the hot water ran out. Fucking old heaters.

I think I'm gonna dream of heaven tonight or hell maybe.

out of touch

2006-02-20T05:02:00.000-08:00

Yup with the chinese part of my world that sort of faded out of existance since I came to AC. I happened to catch a bit of the talent contest on channel u and realised that I've been so detached from chinese music. Not just that, I took much longer than before to read chinese characters. For some of the quicker-paced songs I couldn't even finish reading the line of lyrics before the next line flashed on. Argh. What a waste it's gonna be, chinese was really a first language for me back in rv together with english of course. I don't even know if I can claim to be effectively bilingual now. ta ma de.

I then decided to watch the mandrian news.

Anyway I sort of feel compelled to blog about fun o rama since it's a first for me and the only one I would be involved in. Though it wasn't exactly a life-changing experience I know I'll miss such stuff when I'm done and over with education and on to the working society. The fun fair was well, fun. Didn't have time to visit every booth but those that I saw were quite fun. It was fun but honestly staying there for the whole day became rather boring especially since most of the time we had to tend our own stalls. Anyway yeah it rained towards the end and I went to church slightly drenched.

Pastor Jen is really creating this reputation of addressing a lot of the right things a youth service should address. The previous one on speech was a real hammer blow and so was this one. I went to the alter for prayer. I'm really ashamed of a lot of stuff. Anyway the sermon was about the falseness of his world and how we should not have different faces. It's freaking hard really. Different groups of people in every part of your lives have different standards and it might not sound hard, but it is nearly impossible to keep to one single standard set by God. I went up to make a commitment although she said i I wasn't ready I should not. I know I will break my promise to God as I have time and time again, but I just hoped that making the commitment would make me at least think twice before I do someting wrong, or at least feel double the guilt after I know I've done something wrong. So I just hope He wouldn't set any expectations because i will disappoint FOR SURE.

It sort of occured to me that a lot of times we say things like "Now I just want to concentrate on my studies", I wonder if it's really because we want to do well or because we are afraid of or just do not want to be bothered with whatever else there is. I mean most of the time I say that or hear that is when the other stuff involve problems.

"Now for the sweet period between when a lie is told and when it is found out" -Homer Simpson after telling a lie

haha i felt in the mood for simpsons today.

Lightness of Being

2006-02-16T06:08:00.000-08:00

I've just re-read The unbearable lightness of being by Milan Kundrea. It kinda sucks to be agnostic.

The book's about how decisions in life are ultimately insignificant because life will not reoccur, you will re-live a decision and how we will all fade into history which will in turn disappear in the future which is near as compared to an eternity of time. So I was thinking how christianity fits into all this, giving our decisions on earth consequences in the next world. Otherwise existance would really be meaningless wouln't it.

So it's been a really slack week with fun o rama preparations and all. Skipped like two days worth of lessons this week and tomorrow will be the third. Not particularly excited about fun o rama though, haven't been involved in whatever planning. I'm just too lazy to do anything. I wonder what spurs people on. I mean is it really essential to have an excepional stall on saturday in order to enjoy the fun fair? I'm not saying they're being stupid to be so enthusiastic just that I don't see how they can be thus motivated. I'm sure school pride is not the reason, like come on get real. It's not like I'm not interested about the fun fair, I am I will be there and I think it's going to be quite fun too just that maybe i don't derive satisfaction from the collective sense of accomplishment of having a good class stall. Or maybe I just wouldn't feel the collective embarrassment of having a sucky class stall. Why isn't the predicted guilt of enjoying a stall I didn't have a hand in not haunting me? Shit I must really be fucked up huh.

Oh right valentine's day. Nothing out of the norm. Flowers and sweets erm oh my class went out of school to sell tickets. Met joycelin with cyrena and realised I didn't as much as miss joycelin even though we haven't met in like months and I'm supposed to miss her. Maybe I did just that it didn't appear as great a longing as what my mind thought was supposed to happen so relatively it seemed to me like i didn't miss her at all. Oh and interestingly, I talked to pamela on the bus home, someone I always knew of but never talked to in secondary school. After that i thought that talking to someone wom you didn't know before is particularly liberating. Especially if it's someone you're probably not ever going to cross paths with ever again. I guess it's due to the absence of the need to make a wonderful impression or change an imperfect one that you have already made.

One last thing I've learned from kundrea is that you would usually not be able to see goodness in a person, even in yourself because there is a constant power play between our emotions and the people around us. We'd never know if we're being nice to someone just because we expect something in return or want to gain a friend etc. We'd like to think we are being nice because we are good people but more often than not, that turns ou to be untrue. A man's goodness can only be seen when the other is completely at his mercy and there is an absence of powerplay.

Even Abraham Lincoln once said "Nearly all men can satnd adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." how true.

Dear Jackie

2006-02-11T20:39:00.000-08:00

Please retire. I'm really sick of your slapstick humour and lousy shows. I have no idea why you just love to act in hollywood movies, don't you realise you're portraying a FUCKED UP image of asian people. You are the most disgusting actor alive, yeah u know kung fu, big deal that's just one more item on the list for americans to laugh at chinese people. I was looking forward to watching around the world in 80 days on star movies, thinking it might be close to the 19th century classic, and when I saw your name on the screen I decided to get off the tv. Honestly, did you ever think you were what Jules Verne had in mind when he came up with Passepartout?

-yours sincerely disgusted

The headlines today scream 96% of singaporeans are for the death penalty. Gee we sure are unsympathatic. If you kill, you get killed, sounds fair enough. I've read somewhere before though that capital punishment is a worse fate than being murdered hence making it unfair. Which is true because when you get the death sentence you will die for sure within a certain period of time. This creates psycological trauma because there is no hope whatsoever of escaping. However, when you get murdered at least you don't see it coming and there is always the hope of getting away. The death sentence is more traumatic than the crime of murder itself, so I don't really support it. Plus the bible says we're not fit to judge others anyway. I think certain degree of punishment should be enforced, not death though. I mean because there are always those nuts out there who would do anything as long as it's legal. On the other hand, since 96% of singaporeans support the death penalty, maybe it means that they probably won't be committing any crimes so that's quite a good figure for a safe country.

Valentine's day is coming. Saint Valentine got martyred on 14th feb. The history of this is rather interesting. Anyway the day has sort of evolved from commemorating marriage to something involving everybody or anybody you love. No harm anyway. Oh and it's kind of interesting that in rome then, people drew lots to decide their partners.

Right, so it's sort of movie season or something. All the great movies are out. Jarhead, North country, geisha which was sometime ago but I haven't caught it. And I must catch Casanova. I love 18th century european romance. It's the kind of love we don't see anymore nowadays. The take-a-plunge kind, meaning blind passion. It's sort of a fantasy because logically stuff like these don't work out most of the time. But that's what makes it nice to watch and indulge in. Plus I like the way people dressed back then too.

I need something morale-boosting like right now. It's high time something really good happened to me anyway. Sometimes I just feel really frustrated with everything and nothing in particular. It's like how a bit of this and that here and there that's not going too well balls into one big heap of frustration. Work, cca, god, people etc.

drip drip

2006-02-08T03:32:00.000-08:00

I have a bloody leaking nose. Erm I didn't mean I'm having a nose bleed but a #!^&%(* cold. My nose was running like a fricking tap so i didn't go for cross country. The last cross country of my entire life. I wonder if I'm going to miss stuff like this when I grow old. All the things that I feel are redundant and should be skipped, maybe I'll start missing them in the future.

Gosh, I'm kinda disgusted by how ambigious my last entry was.

I wonder if people get into relationships because they care about each other, or whether getting attached is the license to start caring. It's kind of dumb to start showing extravagant concern only because you have this new found status.

fuck I'm feeling like shit. I hate being sick.

gah

2006-02-07T07:37:00.000-08:00

i missed desperate housewives because i overslept.darn.

I hate it when people get abusive and offensive just because they know you won't do anything about it. When you pretend to be unaffected by something someone says, she then comes back and push you as if you're on mtv's boiling point knowing full well she's gonna get away with it again. And I soon begin to think you are enjoying it a lot. I don't have selective hearing, just selective response.

I've given up on physics. My teacher has given up on me too anyway. I'll see how I do for terms and then decide whether or not to drop it.

I can't wait for the weekend.

what a wonderful world

2006-02-05T02:03:00.000-08:00

Buble really should have made the lyrics sarcastic, that would be really funny.

Been a while since I've updated, training's been killing me and my social life is officially non-existant. Was in town for the first time in I-can't-remember-how-long on friday night. There was a parade of some sort going on, probably chingay rehearsal. There were policemen directing the pedestrians at traffic light crossings, guiding those travelling in the same direction to one side of the crossing which they sort of halved. So it looked pretty retarded since there was barely a crowd at that time. I've never been a fan of parades of any sort, especially festive parades. The dragondance looked like an orgy anyway.

Had an amusing conversation yesterday. I pointed out how my friend was stereotyping when she said something which I sort of forgot but isn't the point, and she replied "the government calls it profiling". lol

In our cluster, there are 3 enormous galaxies, the milky way where we live in, andromeda, and the acs ego. Ha

Jingleheimer Junction

2006-01-30T17:22:00.000-08:00

I don't know how recent this was but I just downloaded it yesterday and it's fucking hilarious (literally). It's some kids' show like barney just that it's corrupted as hell, really..it's a must see.

oh great new year is over. That means back to school too. Which sucks. But looking on the bright side, the first month is over already! I'm not exactly afraid that it's getting closer towards the A levels and there is so much yet to cover. Studies have always been a chuan dao qiao tou zi ran zhi thing.

I've been downloading a lot of erm rock ballads and soft rock at the most. Kind of realised that besides country music this is another genre of english music that I like. Oh and I realise people don't know the different genres of music anymore. It's all emo or non-emo to them, or english and mandrian.

That's really bad classification if you ask me. emo just means more electric guitar and less keyboard, more screaming and exasparation. And I cannot believe credit is given to musicians rehearsing a particular 'emotion' over the same line of lyrics. I mean good music evokes emotions, it isn't meant to be a display of emotions, that would be drama! It was a lot better when they were under rock, ballad, rap, blah blah..emo is just wrong, it's limited to exasparation and the oh-i'm-doing-all-i-can voices. There are obviously so many other kinds of emotions, even deliberate lack of it in certain music should be given credit. What the hell, they're all just non-emo now.

On a sidetrack, I'm starting to like sugarland.

let's see, arenes, alkenes, electromagnetism, integration..I'm so glad i take literature along with all that science crap. Something I actually like studying.

mundane

2006-01-28T16:54:00.000-08:00

Why do we celebrate every new year the same old boring way? Cny is a mundane annual chore it's not even worth mentioning.

I think heaven is overrated. It's just the obvious choice when the alternative is hell. I don't even believe in eternal happiness. I mean it'll take me a few years to get bored and then what. Besides, life would be meaningless if it lasts for eternity. Nobody would make the best of each moment. I'd rather an orgasm that lasts some seconds.

I wonder if God would ever make you lose everything just so you'll turn to him.

And I was thinking as well, what if God doesn't do the right things all the time. Even if he screws up, we'll never know because he has cleverly created this illusion that God doesn't make mistakes and that everything we don't understand or deem ridiculous is part of this even bigger plan that serves an even higher purpose. What if the person in question doesn't want this higher purpoes to be achieved? That would make God a fucking dictator wouldn't it?

A certain someone once wrote "I think God overestimated himself in creating man"

I'm in the mood for poetry

Smile into the mirror
You see a three dollar bill
cold as the braces
covering your teeth

Turn the other cheek
I wonder what that means
to hide what is shown
or to reveal what is not

Under the blanket
Behind the curtain
Where art thou?
where thou art

Whenever you're ready
I'll take the cue
Nice and steady
Whenever it's due
I'll say hey stranger

How impossible is it for one to live each day to better himself whilst living among people who remember who you were the day before.

Why- Nicole Nordeman

2006-01-24T05:39:00.000-08:00

We rode into town the other day
Just me and my daddy
He said I'd finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man that my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said daddy why are they screaming
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I'll bet that crown hurts him more then he shows
Daddy please can't you do something?
He looks as though he's gonna cry
You said he was stronger then all of those guys
Daddy please tell me why?
Why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said father why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my clothes?
This crown of thorns hurts me more then it shows
Father please can't you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size
Father remind me why?
Why does everyone want me to die?
When will I understand why?

My precious son
I hear them screaming
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own
Jesus this hurts me much more then you know
But this dark hour
I must do nothing
Though I've heard your unbearable cries
The power in your blood
Destroys all of the lies
Soon you'll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below See the child
Trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell you why
She is why you must die

credit to cyrena for introducing this song.

The last part kind of spoils the mood though with the clapping and all haha.

Often we thnk of christ as a deity of some sort, divine and all. But he was as human as everyone of us, he needed god so much to take the cross. Thinking of him as divine is not wrong but I think that so often it takes all credit away from such a great sacrifice because people think less of it because we know of him as some god-like figure. Martyrdom is often seen as courage but what if the martyr was in no way more courageous than normal people like us? The cross was one of love for mankind.

On a saner note

2006-01-21T20:46:00.000-08:00

I think i'm gonna have to start studying really hard from now on. Have to make good use of this chinese new year break, have to get a tutor quick, have to maintain 4 subs after term exams. A levels is by far the highest hurdle in one's academic life in Singapore at least, so it's really make or break and of course I want to make it. I've never fallen short in studies in my life and I don't want this to be a first.

As for soccer, I might not even get to play a single minute in A division even if i make the team judging by how things are going right now. But I mean every team has subs, reserves, people who just have their names on the list for the sake of making up the numbers, so even if I quit, somebody else would have to be that, and since I've been in soccer for what more than a year already I might as well see it through and be contented with wherever God puts me. That was why I decided to go for the match in the evening yesterday despite missing half of the service for that.

Right so this cynical view of people around me has served its purpose well. The disappointments are not that great since expectations are not high, or even existant now. touch and go? fine by me. Leeches? I'll live with it. After all, George bernard shaw once wrote, the power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who do not have it. Maybe the world isn't such a nice place to live in after all.

moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye.

I've always liked that verse.

mankind

2006-01-20T06:04:00.000-08:00

is the only form of leech which feeds off its own kind.

School's been lousy. Having everyone give up on you felt stresful for a while, until I became jaded. I've got to get tuition.

It's weird, usually I can easily find motivation in wanting to prove people wrong, and comfort in the fact that up is the only way I could go. not this time though.

fuck blogging.

sunshine

2006-01-14T08:48:00.000-08:00

That's been the highlight of this week, sunny days at last.

I'm in a really crappy mood now and I really need someone to talk to.

I can't believe how disrespectful people can be of other's choices. I really hate it when people impose things on me especially after i've made it clear that something is not exactly what I want or would like. I've said it before I'll say it again. Nobody is obliged to tear down the wall and let anybody in. It's giving your vulnerability away as a gift and obviously you choose who to give this gift to. Sometimes it gets to the point where you just want to say "It's because I don't like you, fuck off thank u very much"

I got really irritated recently by my cell's procedures with prayers and this buddy group thing because we have to do them with people of the same gender. now that ephraim's gone I don't have any guys whom I can actually open up to anymore and so it's only now that this is irritating me. (majority of the cell group are girls) The purpose of this separation is to erm prevent us from getting distracted.

It's always been my stand in stuff like this that we do not need such formalities. It's like even if smoking were legal in singapore, I wouldn't smoke because I know it's a health hazard not to mention it stinks. Smokers, similarly would find their way around things if they were underaged or something. What matters is we understand the things behind "wrong" things and hence our choices. Trying to prevent it with rules and dumb precautions is just not the way. In fact exposure is always important because we have to be in the know of things against our principles. And then when we still feel we are doing the right thing, it strengthens our beliefs. So if we understand fully not to be distracted in cell, we won't.

I can't stress what a wreck my life has been in these 2 weeks any more.

I guess it's when we have nothing more to lose that we really put our all into somthing. but then it doesn't always have a fairytale ending unlike what our sub conscious love for romance desires.

So I say again, sunshine's been the highlight of my week. literally too o.O

2006-01-13T04:46:00.000-08:00

.

Freedom of space

pon de replay

2006-01-08T02:44:00.000-08:00

heard that song play just now i am so sick of it. (It's this year's orientation mass dance song)

Weekend has been pretty good. I got a devotion book for 9.90 and two new CDs over the weekend. Oh the clearout sale at HMV is really worth checking out. yuck i sound like a girl now evaluating my weekend by amount of shopping done =S

Weekend was good because of church. I'm looking forward to next week already. Actually cell and service wasn't all that fun but I'm just glad I got to see those people again. And it wasn't as bad as I expected with ephraim in NS now. I made up for his absence by talking a lot to a lot of people so i was too occupied to be feeling empty.

If someone say wants to cover up for something without actually saying something false, ie telling a lie, he would sort of go around the issue and try to mislead people into thinking something. okay I'll have to do this with an example. Say I don't want to go for training and so I say something like "I have a family lunch". And then I just have a normal lunch with my family that was totally optional but only happened because I stayed home and skipped training. So I wasn't exactly lying, I was trying to lead my captain on to thinking that family lunch meant some big compulsary thing with an extended family or something like that. However I've come to think of such a move as a lie too. Because God sees the intent not the actual lie itself. That's why conversely, God does not think it's wrong if you lie in a game of bluff. Plus I mean God's not dumb and I'm feeling guilty about having covered up in such a way before thinking that I've kind of gotten around the rules. So the next time someone does it and says "I wasn't lying what" we should be reminded that it's the intent, not the lie itself.

Recently, a friend was talking about his new relationship and how he thinks it's gonna last because he likes her a lot and she probably likes him a lot too. At that point in time I thought it was okay, but coming to think about it, what if that's not enough? I think a relationship is just a part of a bigger life that you're living in all and i think couples have to be aware of what each other want as well. Meaning what they want in life and not what they want from and for each other. "All i want is you" is a bullshit statement. I mean think about it what kind of lousy life is that.

Wolfgang von gothe once said "If I accept you as what you are I will make you worse. However if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that."

I think it's a really good line to live life by. So it desn't really matter if one's a bitch before or even now I think what's important is you're clear on what that person wants for herself and can become. Don't try to be funny and ask what if the person has the potential to be an ass? This is obviously based on the assumption that everyone has room for improvement. I know when it comes down to people who are real bastards to me I'm gonna find it hard to do that, in fact I don't even think I can live up to it. But I'll try so no promises.

Think that's enough for one entry. This entry is very censored and I don't know how long I can keep that up.

oh and I've started doing quiet time and devotions, another addition to a long list of stuff I'm trying to accomplish right now.

mofo

2006-01-06T06:28:00.000-08:00

i swear whoever invented spyware/viruses is a real mother fucker. I spent the whole bloody week with an infected computer and I just wasted like 2 hours figuring out how to do a system recovery and install all the printer, internet connection etc etc all over again. okay that's what u get for downloading music.

Right first week of school. Urm really stressful. And I mean really really stressful. And the j1 orientation was just the perfect thing to allow all that envy and "I wish I were j1" emotions to sit in. I didn't touch my holiday homework so yeah i was rushing through it like crazy. First few lessons were mainly spent having teachers pump us with fear of the A levels and getting back the crazy pre-promos pace. That's what school's gonna be like for the next 11 months I guess. Ah it'll soon be over.

Was watching Big Loser just now and wondering how pathetic the show was making the American society seem. I mean u have to have a cash incentive for people to get themselves back into good health? I mean how fucked up is that? U get paid to take care of yourself. And we thought grownups knew better.

"I'm not doing anyone any favours" More and more people are beginning to live life based on that line. It's kinda sad. I myself have started off with people and things on the wrong foot and then have my attitude degrade to that. Nobody faults anyone for not being nice as long as you're not un-nice. This growing display of "street-smartness" is just going to turn everyone cynical about everything.

So I'm really relieved it's the weekend already and I'm really looking forward to church tmr. Carrie underwood's album is really good, country music basically usually is anyway.

O'six

2006-01-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

wow I haven't blogged since last year! (sorry i just had to do that)

Anyway o5 has been a year of clarity.

I'm glad I went to ac and I'm thankful for the exposure to many groups of people. I've learnt a lot about the more ang moh half of singaporean teens. Plus I've grown to appreciate many virtues of my riends from rv.

Highlight though has been church this year. I've really grown a lot thanks to so many people.

It doesn't really matter actually what 05 was like. What's important now is what I want 06 to be like. For starters, I hope 06 will be less exciting (in a good way). Church has been one thing in my life that I've been in for quite a while and have not become sick of so I think I really want to stay involved in 2006

And yes I want to do well for A levels.

oh and countdowns are overrated. Since I don't reall believe in resolutions, I'll end here.

Adieu In-betweens

2005-12-29T06:09:00.000-08:00

I was on the mrt some days ago from bukit batok to buona vista and there's this new system that has trains from the north-south line going towards pasir ris without the transit at jurong east. Which got me thinking about how we are starting to do without transition periods in our lives in general. Like the through-train education system etc. Life's becoming really stressful nowadays. I mean don't you miss those periods of transitions where you can actually pause and take a breather? We don't even have that time where you walk to shops to get stuff anymore, you can just click on it and volia. It's like how commercials are needed in between tv programmes.

So when you countdown to 2006, take a moment to commemorate the death of transition periods in our lives because they no longer exist unlike the 10 secconds between the new and the old year.

Tsunami. I don't really think the people have to be remembered in such extravagent fashion. Firstly because I maintain that they didn't make a sacrifice. They were sacrificed. There's a difference. One's by choice the other is due to ill fate. And there's no glory really in exalting them because it wasn't a choice that they made, it just happened. Don't get me wrong I'm not being unsympathetic and cold-hearted, in fact I do pity them i mean here you are minding your own business and nature comes and fuck with you just because she feels like it and you were at the wrong place at the wrong time, but I think they should not be commemorated more than anybody else that dies on a regular deathbed.

Had soccer camp for the past 2 days. I think there were some really beautiful moments things felt good.In those split moments I actually looked at the people being extraordinarily comfortable with one another and thought hey it feels like a team.

christ

2005-12-26T05:18:00.000-08:00

how often do we forget that the most important part of christmas is in the first 6 letters?

It's my first christmas spent at church. I thought it was okay, nothing too fantastic though. the festive period started on the 23rd I think when the musical was screened for the first time. Went with chong U, carmen and trixia and most of the time I was figuring how to fall asleep in the small congested space which could make simply anybody claustrophobic. It then really made my day when I was making my way through the absolutely singaporean crowd outside the church when the musical ended. I don't like the adult congregation of this church. I never have. They are just such singaporeans, rushing for the refreshments, pushing and shoving and just being a major inconvenience to others. I think this is one thing really that we could correct in our generation and not let it pass on and on.

Basically christmas was a bitch on the 23rd.

Christmas eve turned out much better and I really enjoyed giving out chocolates. People in church are just more appreciative of things and they make you want to give them stuff. The 24th was much better because the bulk of the congregation was made up of youths. plus I missed half the musical while at some family dinner. I've rown to respect my uncle a lot, the way he's brought his children up. In my opinion it's a miracle from God if a parent is able to bring up his children without imposing his own ideals and principles on them and having them turn out as good people. My parents didn't have this gift and I'm thankful sometimes for my rebellious nature because otherwise I would have fallen into a personality which isn't at all mine. by the way the turkey was good.

Some of us slept over at ephraim's place and we were up all night talking about a lot of things. Cell issues mainly and I'm kind of relieved that I could vomit a lot that I've been keeping inside; out. being in a cell group is a commitment to bonding with people. And needless to say it implies having to communicate with people. For us as blessed non-mutes we usually do that with our mouths. You don't bond without talking. It just doesn't happen, if you can establish a bonding that doesn't involve using your mouths(don't get me wrong), it must be mutual lust and plain horniness. Even mutes use sign language.

Some days ago I came across the slogan of our country's police force on one of the mrt signboards. Be extraordinary. Really, what the fuck(in an amusing way). It's so pathetic. Think about it. We all know nobody wants to be a police officer, at least not after you past the age of like 7 and realise you don't get to shoot and kill baddies day in day out, not to mention your parents keeping you well-informed on the proper ambitions you should be having. So what the hell, be extraordinary?! In a bad way yes. I wonder if the people in it actually buy this nonsense. They have to be extraordinarily stupid to do so. ok end of me being a bastard and pointing out how the lower occupations in singapore are giving themselves self-comfort.

Speaking of slogans, here's the new slogan for procrastination. 5 minutes more.

The Christmas Shoes

2005-12-21T22:33:00.000-08:00

The Christmas Shoes by Newsong

It was almost Christmas time
There I stood in another line
Trying to buy that last gift or two
Not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing around like little boys do
And in his hands he had
A pair of shoes

And his clothes were worn and old
He was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight

They counted pennies for what seems like years
And cashier says son there's not enough here
He searches is pockets frantically
And he turned and he looked at me
And he said Momma made Christmas good in our house
Most years she just did without
Tell me Sir
What am I gonna do?
Some how I gotta buy her these Christmas shoes

So I laid the money down
I just had to help him out
And I'll never forget
The look on his face
When he said Momma's gonna look so great

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of Heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight

I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight

I don't usually post songs on my blog in fact I've never posted songs on my blog. But this one is really special so I've decided to share it.

flawless imperfection

2005-12-21T08:49:00.000-08:00

I really think it is thus so. The way people are imperfect after original sin. It's become like a norm and something acceptable in the world and no one is sin free. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be perfect. Like if eve hadn't touched the fucking apple.

I have this grand plan of starting to do quiet time next year. Hope it works out well.

Christmas is coming. I don't feel a thing. Christmas has always been a fleeting thing for me, with family gatherings littered with the redundent conversational formalities and presents from people you barely talk to for most parts of the year. I say most because we celebrate chinese new year too. I wonder if it's gonna be anything different this year, with my involvement in church and all, it's really been a great year for me as far as serving is concerned. maybe i'll look forward to next christmas after this one.

I was kind of disappointed with myself today, and yes wtf this is becoming a trend maybe it's a good thing to feel guilt it means you're more sensitive and actually have more people and god to account to, and I cannot believe some of the comments I made about some people. I have to be less judgemental. Greg said that perception is a gift but how are we supposed to stop in the fine line between perception and judgement? It's so hard sometimes i'd rather just lay it all down and say fuck it i'm not doing anything about it.

School's re-opening. I'm really scared. I've never had this little confidence in my studies before and I sure as hell don't want to screw up next year.

end of mad camp

2005-12-17T17:01:00.000-08:00

I'm both sad and relieved at the same time. Sad because just when I've gotten to know some people better the camp ends. Dang 3 days is way too short. But I'm really relieved to be getting out of the suffocating job of being in the camp committee. Final briefing is on this afternoon and I expect to get bombarded with negative remarks on my performance. I've mingled more with the campers than the committee during the times that I'm not in my emcee role. I'll have no problem taking it though, it's worth it since I made really good friends.

Much thanks really to carmen,stef, cheryl, jon lo, keith,jeremiah,marcus and hannah for participating and making it much more bearable for me.

Anyway on the previous topic of vulnerability, I've come to think of it as a gift to the people you really love around you. Love is giving one the ability to hurt you but trusting her not to. Really relevant. Although then I'm not too sure what's gonna make a bgr any more special than a relationship with your close friends besides sweet nothings and acts of physical intimacy.

I've really neglected a lot of my friends dring this camp, especially the virus peeps, missing the sunday soccer for the 5th week in a row. And i was always busy the times they wanted to go out during weekdays. It's over now though, time to take a break from mad church life. Oh then there's the homework factor. fuck.

vulnerability

2005-12-13T04:16:00.000-08:00

Alina said something that really hit the bull's eye today. We sent the second wave off to timor at the airport today. Nothing much really the whole scene was more of a formality if anything. Anyway we were on the topic of future partners and what you would look for in them. So I said I didn't think couples should need each other, because necessity results in a sense of obligation and I'd rather just like the other person because it's more like a choice. Then she said maybe I was afraid to be vulnerable, because when you need somebody you automatically become vulnerable. Come to think of it, I'm probably sub consciously really afraid of that.

I like depending on people, friends and all that. I need company like 24/7 and I've always thought that I need a lot of my friends. By allowing these many objects of neccessity into my life, I'm actually reducing the effect one friend can have on my life. It's sort of a self defence mechanism so that I'm not especially vulnerable to any one single person.

I wouldn't want to need my partner also because it would then make the connection similar to those with my normal friends.

I don't like taking myself apart like that, but I think looking at yourself from as objective a point of view as possible is important, not to mention interesting.

M@D camp starts tmr, I'm not too excited about it, but oh well who said doing God's work would be fun all the time? I don't think it's possible to do a lot of it with a happy heart but I try to do it willingly at least.

hamsters

2005-12-11T06:36:00.000-08:00

woo I got hamsters. Pearl white and sapphire..i'm really pleased with them coz they are like the two most beautiful breeds in my opinion. Especially the pearl white though he's really fiesty, biting and running away all the time.

So i bought a packet of hamster food today and when i opened it it was teeming with baby cockroaches and they all started coming all over the floor. I was so pissed off that I had to deal with the fucking mess and I'm so not gonna let it rest like that. I'm intending to go to the pet store tmr and probably make a scene and demand compensation. and I'm not expecting like 10 dollars I'm quite going for a hundred at least. I'm gonna claim that I called pest control to fog the whole house and that I brought my hamsters to the vet which burned my wallet, plus all the cab fares and the trouble. I hope i don't meet too much resistance and that the manager would be scared if I appeared like I knew my stuff and rights. "I could sue you for up to half the amount of compensation you'd have to sue your supplier for" I'm like so proud of that line. haha I'll buy a few more packets tmr which I'm so certain are pest infested as well and I'll threaten to call the new paper down. yay I hope I can get a decent amount.

The week has been so exhausting. oh and I forgot to mention the stupid match with the batch of 2000. It was so full of crap coz like half he team didn't appear and I started as centre back. Before saturday I couldn't have imagined myself playing that position at all I'm bloody winger for goodness sake. So I was quite pissed off and I realised how little stamina u need to play centre back I was barely warmed up even into the second half.i really felt like I wasted my time but oh well it did force me to go in for headers, something I don't usually like doing.

I quote from SPG's blog "I find it absolutely unbelievable that God would have sent down Christ to experience humanity, without allowing him to feel guilt. It’s one of the biggest human sensations, and you can’t feel guilt if you’ve never sinned." I think this is really thought provoking. And I don't even have an answer to that. But all I know is that it doesn't change the fact that christ died for all our sins.

i hate being friends with benefits though I know such people are absolutely necessary in our lives. We'd never recognise sincerity without them.

my house!

2005-12-06T22:04:00.000-08:00

HELLO! BRYAN KEEPS BUGGING US TO GUEST BLOG SO HERE WE ARE!

we just watched a fucking good show (according to bryan). THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR. wait. but the stupid actress in that show is super ugly. She doesn't deserve that super sexy 007guy.yumyum. bryan is thinking of ponning soccer training. bryan has 1000000000000000000 pirated vcds and dvds. POLICEMEN SHOULD RAID HIS HOUSE AND NAB HIM. comecomecome. he masturbates with gatsby wax. bryan just drank 2 bottles of alcohol. he think its super cool and claims that he likes the taste of it when he's actually ADDICTED to it. btw. he loves elsa.

yeah sure I do kyna just said ilu to her on msn. btw those were guest bloggers kyna and cyrena

bag search

2005-12-05T06:27:00.000-08:00

So I was with a friend and he got his bag searched at an mrt station. He's chinese and looks the least bit like a terorist and seriously wtf man. Given the percentage of people they check they wouldn't catch a bomb threat even if it were to present itself. I really hate such ceremonial measures taken by our government. Right so now people have one more measure to write about in social studies, yeah big deal. And because my chinese friend got checked I kind of think that maybe they're using this to show their indiscrimination towards the other races when it comes to the possibility of terrorism. So this crap actually serves every purpose except to prevent someone from walking right onto an mrt with a c4.

I simply cannot believe music junction and that CD shop don't sell carrie underwood.

Tmr the first wave of people are leaving for east timor. Will miss them. Carmen, cleo eeli and jun. I kind of regret not going for it so I'm gonna spend this week studying so i don't feel so bad about it. oh and it's been a long while since I visited the airport.

I thought church weekend was a real fuckup. It seems like every little thing was out to piss me off. I hate introverts I really do. I think that communication ranks on the human list of neccessities right behind food air and water and people who don't wanna talk to nobody and take the initiative should not be in the world.

I hate it when adults get deliberately long winded because they think that we don't get it. It's both an insult to my comprehension of english and a display of lack of confidence. It's a bit rude in my opinion.

Wall

2005-12-01T05:03:00.000-08:00

What's wrong with not wanting to open up? Freedom of communication is a right and it doesn't always refer to the right to speak up, taking a closer look, it should actually refer to the choice to speak up. So there is obviously a negative part of that where we have the right to not express ourselves. Nobody is obliged to embrace anyone into his or her life be it family or classmate or churchmate whatever. Obligation never fails to put down the pleasure of choice in doing something. Maybe that is why sometimes we open up easier to strangers and people we don't cross paths with, meaning they're not in your social circle. Because we're not obliged to open up to them there's a lot more joy doing it.

Misunderstood, this would encourage cliques, but it's not what I'm saying. The world would be a better place if people stopped thinking that we're obliged to lower the drawgate to every one of our neighbours and actually start making smart choices. It sucks for you if you're an anti-social introverted fuck-up but that's the way life is people don't have to pity u and befriend u.

So I visited elsa again for lunch when her in-charge was away so we had a lot more time to roam around ntu. We wandered into NIE and there happened to be some exhibition. We pretended to be part of it and ate for free at the buffet lol. Then we attended some tour in this classroom of the future thingy. Basically it's this room that looks plucked out of The Jetsons and you're so connected to everything and everybody all the time, on the train, at home etc.

This insane level of connection will only cause the earth to revolve faster and more people to break down due to stress levels but it is quite inevitable in my opinion given this highly competitive world. The people at NIE seemed quite honoured that 2 jc students wearing school t-shirts actually graced their event haha. We got a free t-shirt too. Quite worth the trip down if u ask me with the freebie and lunch.

tagged

2005-11-29T04:17:00.000-08:00

ok so I got tagged to do this by xian wei

5 random things about myself

1) Half my world is in english the other half is in chinese so I have to change channels a lot of the time. I have thoughts in both languages ahaha

2) I usually have dreams in the morning like at 7am and not at night.

3) I hate most leafy veggie except lettuce. So I eat brocolli and carrots a lot

4) I like to think aout random things a lot of the time at home. I can lie on my bed and just think a lot and not fall asleep. Basically, thinking about stuff is like an activity to me.

5) I hate being anywhere alone. Be it the few metres to the toilet or few minutes in the canteen i hate being alone.

ok so the 5 people I have decided to tag are

1) Cyrena
2) Elsa
3) Andeous
4) monique
6) liane

You have to do this when you are tagged.

So today I actually invented a cool christian quote on my own. not like I was actively thinking and phrasing one, but it sort of came to me and sounds good anyway.

Repentance is the greatest courage of man, forgiveness is the highest love of God
-Me

Devil's Advocate

2005-11-27T23:23:00.000-08:00

Just when i thought I was being all involved in church and holier than before, some stranger had to play devil's advocate, ironically, right at the church doorsteps where I was promoting M@D camp.

Speaking of which, I made the announcement on saturday and accidentally said the word "damn" but I'm sure they'll forgive me haha since i said the camp was damn cool. lol. I've been quite busy this weekend with the camp publicity it really sucked missing sunday soccer twice in a row.oh well I'll try to meet up with the guys when I'm free. The preparation isn't exactly fun since we're actually working plus the response wasn't exactly superb.

Wow I last blogged on monday, that's a record. oh so I met elsa on tuesday at ntu for lunch. She was having some job attachment thingy which was everything but a job since she does nearly nothing all day hahahah. More importantly, ntu so isn't the place for me. I mean yucks, it's such a singaporean place. The people there are like those you see on channel 8! There's like no life at all in the school. Hmm maybe I wasn't in the more happening faculties.

Played badminton and watched champions league which was incredibly boring with manu-villareal at the top of the bland list.

Oh and I scored my first ever goal for AC against JJ so i was quite happy it was a significant goal since we drew 1-1 but we so deserved to win the jj players are so unfit and disorganised. The refree was this fat slob who never failed to amaze me.

So back to devil's advocate. I don't even know why i agreed to go maybe the irony of the whole situation stirred my interest. Yup someone from church asked me to go to a club party.

Assurance

2005-11-21T21:33:00.000-08:00

I think it's a great thing to give. It kind of occured to me when I told people things like "hey you did the right thing" and saw how much better it made them feel.

Recently some guy took a pair of soccer boots from the soccer cage and lost A BOOT after he finished playing. It costs about 100 dollars and he only wanted to pay the owner 50 because he only lost one sde of the boot. Obviously that is ridiculous and unacceptable to many because there's no way to buy ONE boot, but the owner decided to settle for it. Many were quite angry about it and felt that we had to stand up for a teammate who had just been taken advantage of. I felt that way too at first. After a while I decided that I shouldn't encourage him to demand the full $100 compensation if he was willing to setle for $50. I mean it's always a good thing to show mercy right? And I don't think he'll regret it. So i'll feel proud of him that he had it in him to show mercy and not demand full compensation at his own expense(literally).

M@D camp is taking more of my time than I expected. I'm missing the sunday time that I hav with virus because of it. Oh well I'll see it through and take it as an experience. Haven't really broken the ice in the committee at least not for me since I don't know so many people there and so many people there know so many other people there. ok take a moment to absorb that. I kind of only got carmen and pauline to talk to at the moment =S oh well it's only the second meeting. I'm doing a publicity announcement this saturday, kind of excited.

I am so jeaslous of the j2s who have finished their A lvls

Don't tell me

2005-11-16T21:22:00.000-08:00

What is politically correct. I'm not a hypocrite, I won't claim to be who I'm not, I won't claim to like what I do not enjoy the least bit. For most of the time my attitude has been better than some people. I say I don't give a flying fuck, I mean it. It's better than the people who claim they give a shit but show otherwise.

i haven't been able to talk about the exorcism of emily rose. I watched it, it's a good movie. The story comes around to show the evangelistic purpose of the movie. I think the girl's damn suey, all the really hardcore demons possessed her. Lucifer himself the boss was in her too. According to the movie which was based on a true account, mother mary is a holy figure, almost like a goddess like catholics believe. Interesting.

So I've gotten a new phone, not really exciting since I hav to get used to the keys all over again. Which is rather sickening. And I lost some numbers which is irritating me like hell.

Carmen got me into this commitee planning a church camp for pre-believers whom our church has reached out to recently in some tutoring programme. Had the first meeting yesterday, was kinda cold with everybody quite shy and all. I don't know anybody there except like carmen and pauline and this is really a step out of my comfort zone. It's a big step getting involved in church that's other than service and cell group, hope it goes well for me.

I suddenly feel like dropping physics. More breathing space

Tribute to Disney

2005-11-14T13:31:00.000-08:00

I love Walt Disney. I simply cannot imagine life without all the disney productions. Yes I'm a Disney fan, screw pixar. I've finally gotten back my disney CD from joycelin. bought it during the great singapore sale for like a dollar ninety-nine it has all he greatest disney hits mostly the songs and tunes in the disney movies and cartoons.

Tarzan? "You'll be in my heart" What about Lion King? Can you feel the love tonight? And Pocahontas? Aladdin?Hercules?Bambi? oh my goodness the list goes on. Mulan was great so was the little mermaid. 101 Dalmations? The Hunchback of Notre Dame? The one that realy made me cry was Dumbo. When I see an elephant fly, haha. Can hollywood come up with more innocent romance than Beauty and the Beast? I don't know if you're feeling what I'm feeling right now but for me, each tale and each cartoon has a part of me with it. Who I watched them with, how I felt when I watched them back then. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to grow up in a disney generation.

I don't like the super hero genre of current cartoons. I really do pity kids of today. Yes I've been through this once before but with the CD playing I really had to blog about it again.

I love the world of disney for the amount of hopes and dreams it presents. Knowing there's a place where dreams nearly always come ture is really a beautiful thing. I would like to live in a disney world. Yeah who am I kidding? Reality check? yes I know all that. I'm just saying the simplicity and everything being in it's right place and order is a very attractive quality of disneyland. It's always nice to get absorbed in such a fantasy I think the world should too from time to time it might just make this earth a better place.

Monday blues surprisingly even during the holidays. Just like on schooldays, I'm spending my weekdays looking forward to the weekends. Church and those virus peeps.

I like the chicken little song. Mar-lee-yaa-heee Mar-lee-yaa-ooohh mar-lee-ya-arrhh ma-li-yaa-hahaha

Why is my reflection someone i don't know? Must I pretend that I am someone else for all time? When will my reflection show who I am inside?
Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel? Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide? When will my reflection show who I am inside.
Taken from the Mulan theme song, Reflecttion. I think it's so meaningful, to think it came from some kiddy disney movie huh? ^^

Surreal

2005-11-13T09:06:00.000-08:00

Oh my gawd, I just have to blog about this. I just woke up from the best dream ever. Normally dreams are limited to like scenes but this one actually had a plot, like a movie running through my head. The plot was great too. It's so not a wet dream though there were bed scenes but just like in the movies, these scenes were rather censored. The best part about it is that I didn't wake up when the dream had reached a climax(no sexual connotation intended) but I continued dreaming haha. The coolest part was evacuation of the country. It had to be done in a fantasy-island-slide way where we grab a mat and lie on our bellies and slid like 20km to the place we're supposed to go to. A very long version of fantasy-island slides haha. I shan't divulge the plot maybe I'll become a director or something next time muahahah.

So I've been playing a lot of soccer lately. The team's got a new coach who is, I wouldn't say better yet, but completely different from the previous one. He's 47 and can still play better than any one of us in the team. Ex-national player, so whatever the previous coach could only tell us, he can show us. His comments are much more clever and to the point and he seems like a nice guy. He says he doesn't believe in 100 miles per hour football but instead we should control the game slowly. I'm not sure about that though. A division is spoiler footbll. You have to be fitter and stronger. It's proven since the champion teams always have out of this world fitness levels. Plus I don't think half a year is enough for schoolboys to know how to control a game so well that we don't have to chiong all the time.

Haven't really met up with some people this holidays and surprisingly I'm refering to people in my school. haha. Oh well, at least they're in my school.

Looking at all the ns guys in church and around me, I'm kind of scared really. It's not NS that I'm afraid of but it's that they all seem to have become adults once they get out of JC. I don't want to get out of JC. I want to remain in my 17-18 year old prime forever. I'm not ready for the next phase of life but it's not in my control to stop it from happening. I'm afraid that I might lose a part of me permanently. It's quite hard to put into words so if you don't understand, TOO BAD.

Right, england won. Damn

Ok time for sunday soccer.

fa ru xue

2005-11-09T23:30:00.000-08:00

wah I love that song, it's by jay chou by the way. And I've been downloading old hits by M2M recently. marion Raven sounded so different and so girly back then, totally different from her recent album. And I wonder what happened to the brunette.

Right, so I've got my OP first thing in the morning tmr. My group's the first so I guess there's not much time for mental preparations. Of course I'm hoping I'll do a good job and set the standard high for the groups to follow. I didn't even really rehearse my speech, I did a tiny bit of preparation though. I've always been better at giving things impromptu and I'm counting on that to work out for me tmr as well.

Haven't really been able to get down to studying, training and outings have been taking up so much of my time. Not just the activities themselves but the time required to catch up on sleep because of htem. It's been a boring week with no champions' league football.

A new coach is coming to look at the team on friday, do I want him? I'm for him. I realised that the people who have been getting regular first team places aren't really for him. Can't blame me for thinking that they want the old coach because he favours them. Contrastingly, those who haven't been really in favour are totally for the new coach, unsaid by most, but mainly because it's a second chance to make that valuable first impression. Though I don't know here they are gonna get the money to pay off the old coach's contract, but it'll be great to have a more passionate coach for a change.

If people don't receive you well, i think you should try to befriend and hang out with them but only until a point where beyond that you appear desperate to them. I think I've reached that point with some people and well I've put in my fair share of effort I have no problems answering to myself.

I'm looking forward to church this weekend, no particular reason though.

fucking fletcher

2005-11-07T20:22:00.000-08:00

I hate him. I can't stand how lucky that goal was. Though it was the best thing he could do, head back across the goal but it was so sickening. The whole man u performance was sickening. They parked the bus in front of goal right after the goal which is g-a-y. That's why they'll never be champions because champions will never park the bus at 45 mins. The second half was really revolting from man u and I don't count those silly breaks from rooney and ronaldo as chances they made. They only happened because chelsea had to send so many people up to try to break a what 9-man defence in the final third of the field. Man U don't have the self belief to play normal and try for maybe another a goal and it's really pissing to see them runaway with 3 undeserved points and everybody talking about how good their performance was and applauding them for it. I'm looking forward to man u at stamford bridge.

ok I feel so much better now that's off my chest haha.

Ever had a friend that's kind of not in your clique and you don't really get opportunities to go out and whatever, basically just not being able to spend time with? Yet you guys are reasonably good friends? I've had so many of this type of friends. I don't really know what to do except to let them know that I'll be there for them whenever they need me. It's really a pity sometimes, you know some friendships would be great if taken a step further, but you can't because of certain situations and groups you are in. Then you start thinking what if so and so was in another class, or from another school, or had gotten a different L1R5, would things have been different? It's one of those little sad things in life which you watch slip by your grasp and know there's nothing really you can do about it.

Was randomly switching channels yesterday and I came across this show where the character says, in mandrian but I'll translate, that human tears represent resilience. I think it's interesting I mean how many of us have actually thought of it in that way? Tears are always a symbol of helplessness and surrender. Then thinking further i thought it wasn't wrong to think of tears as a representation of resilience. Think of the times you had a wound so painful you cried tolerating it and all the times you cried over something and came out stronger. So screw nan2 ren2 liu2 xue3 bu4 liu2 lei4.

I think sunday's sermon was the best I ever heard in COOS. Seriously, I'm alwys the one complaining that a message is lousy but this time it was really great. It had all the ingredients of a good presentation and the intricate points were brought across very clearly. Nobody's born with compassion for things around us, in fact I've recently started to believe that we are born apathatic. But we're supposed to ask God to open our hearts to what others are feeling. It's always nice to hear a nobody-is-born-with-this/ nobody-is-perfect word being preeched in our world of sky high expectations.

Something else the speaker shared which I thought was really good though not original.
'I feel sorry for the man who can't feel the whip when it is laid on the other man's back' -Abraham Lincon

leave your old self behind

2005-11-03T20:30:00.000-08:00

Inspiring nike advert. I think it's very symbolic and meaningful. To become better you have to first look your old self in the face and then walk away from it. The only part about that commercial I didn't like was henry haha would have liked it more if it was lampard or something like that.

wow so long since I last updated. So there was meaghan's birthday lunch at some gala high class formal restaurant in Hiyatt hotel. I was like re-living first 3 months rv to ac cultural shock haha I didn't know hiyatt was spell that way I always thought it was hired I mean people always pronounced it that way. nvm there was even more to come. I said the food was "solid" which apparently was cheena slang according to them and I ate scallop with raisins which was weird according to them as well. And when i called the thick noodle-pasta-whatever, italian mee pok, it kinda was the punchline. ok so I made a fool of myslef lol.

Had training yesterday I thought the physical part was stupid we had to run as a team and the pace was the pace of the slowest person I mean how stupid is that most people don't even get to push themselves I seriously don't get the "as a team" theory when doing physical training. If I can only lift say 40kg when we do gym training does that mean the strongest fella in the team should lift only 40 as well? Own time own target should be the way I'm kind of disappointed the teacher-in-charge, whom i've grown to respect more and more recently, should adopt such a ridiculous system. Then again maybe that's my opinion only some people in the team do find the training ok.

Due to the frustration, I've decided to run intervals on my own in the park at my place so I was on my second round when this NS guy started running also and we were like racing each other lol kinda awkward since I didn't even know him but what the hell it did make me run faster.

I never get sick of armageddon I don't know why but it's like addictive lol I can watch it over and over again. Best 20th century movie in my opinion.

Neutrality

2005-10-30T21:32:00.000-08:00

Is it all that good to sit one the fence, not cross any lines and not take any sides? Sometimes the level of apathy really shocks me I mean it's so hard to not dislike anything at all. The plus point is that u get a lot of friends but I think that being neutral will not get you far in your friendships. Though not being neutral might get you enemies and problems and stuff like that but doesn't the old line of wisdom go quality not quantity? The tricky part about this is whether both quality and quantity can exist at the same time. It's baffling o.O

I spent today with virus peeps. Yeah I hope we can continue spening sundays like this I really love these guys and I hope we'l still remain connected even when we're all too old to play soccer. Went with peck lim and kenneth to have dessert at my old neighbourhood. Really miss that place but the dessert part really pissed me off. I've never seen such a huge difference from what is shown in the picture before. There is so much white tasteless ice in the real thing, it's like eating ice with a few pathetic pieces of lychee. The ice kachang looked three dimensional in the picture and more two dimensional in actual. So irritating.

I wonder if people can remain good friends even if they don't spend much time together. I have some friends like that and even though we talk once in a long while there is still that closeness present. i'm really grateful for this because all you have is 24 hours a day and due to circumstances like different schools and whatever, you just don't get to see some people often. it's a great feeling knowing that there's someone there for you when you are in need of a friend. not that you should only go to them when in need but yeah the ever-present support is really heart warming. A stark contrast to people whom we spend so much time with and end up knowing nothing about them and not being close at all. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, how true.

Pastor Ferdie Flores, a missionary in East Timor is getting executed by beating tmr. I think it's scary but I just hope his death won't be for nothing. I don't ever think I will have the courage to put my life on the line even for God, I mean how many of us can really do it? Many of us want to do it, it's glorious and romantic and all to die for what you believe in but how many of us ar actually brave enough to do it? I know I'm not and I admire this guy so much for his courage. God be with him.

last day of school

2005-10-28T09:06:00.000-07:00

we're in the com lab having pw now. Guys are playing dota ok meaghan's 10 mins o fame as guest blogger =)

hey bryan's blog readers! meaghan here! in case some of u dont know, im bryan's classmate and fellow lit mate. ahaha so we're supposedly good in our language but pls dun take tt to heart in this blog entry.
hmms so we're all in the com lab and most of the class guys are busy WOWing ( world of warcraft-ing ). oh mans for guys out there who have yet to try this game, please PLEASE do not ever start playing it. cos if u do, u'll never stop. i guarantee u that. ahaha i swear the majority population of the guys are sooo addicted to this game. im not sure what it's full title but ya the guys would know. i always wonder what new trend will come up to replace this but i was tinking that even if a new trend can ever replace these, it'd prob be as addictive and so a vicious cycle comes about! how annoying is that.
to be fair, girls do have an addiction too. for most of us, it's shopping or even gossiping or jus plain talking too much. im quite sure most guys cant stand us girls when we go on a shopping spree, dragging them along, mainly cos girls can go the wholeee day walking from shops to shops, and at the end of the day, some of us go home with ONE new piece of clothing or even nothing at all! i'm guilty of this but wells. we cant help it. at least we do some exercise walking around! ahaha oh btw, kelly says hi! she's another classmate of ours. ok so im gonna stop now in case i start to ramble on. sooo till the next time bryan allows me to guest blog, byee!!

ok so I've been kind of unofficially fired as the physics rep since somebody else has decided to start printing physics stuff for the class now haha. Anyway so I was thinking how sad kids of this generation and the next are coz they don't have any new fairy tales. As in the cinderella and beauty and the beast kind. I think those stories are really beautiful although they are so old kids won't really be interested anymore and as a result miss out on great stuff. So I was wondering why no one ever thought of writing new fairy tales. It's not really that hard right, maybe I will.

ok end of school term.

All I want for christmas

2005-10-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

is, well I've got no idea right now. The girl who promoted A Christmas Carol yesterday did have a great voice though and she did a terrific version of the song. I've always been envious of people with good vocals especially those diva-like voices. Anyway I'm quite keen on going for A Christmas Carol, it's not a carol but a play based on the classic by charles dickens, though nobody else seems to be as keen. Tmr's the last day to purchase tickets and I desperately need someone to go with.

So I got DEEE which absolutely pissed me off coz I don't think I had anything moderated except chem, ok maybe it was moderated but I didn't jump any grades like so many other people did in so many of their subjects. So I appealed to keep four subjects and the techer-in-charge allowed me to after a really long discussion, strings attached obviously, I had to get CCDE for term exams next year. Feel rather embarrassed that i had to go to such extents to keep four subjects, but now that I've done it I'll just make the best of my second chance and deal with people around me and even myself thinking of me as a bloody fuck up.

Halloween's coming up though I really don't give a flying fuck about it since half my friends are going clubbing, most of the others don't celebrate it and whatever is left is from church and we are not supposed to celebrate it.

Gambling's scary, people around me have been doing it a lot in these boring school days. I don't understand how you could take money from your friends like that. It just doesn't feel right for me, maybe that's because we never used to pay up when we played before. People can lose like 30 bucks in 15 minutes god how fucked up is that.

Word of the day : fuck.

oreo cheesecake

2005-10-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

is simply orgasmic.

So I stayed home today. in other words ponned school. Finished up season 2 of one tree hill and I can't wait for season 3. In my opinion this is the best high school drama ever.So i went on to Band of Brothers which is really good too even after only two episodes and I realised how wrong i was to think that my studying war literature would make the show any less enjoyable. Having the guy from FRIENDS(Ross) act in a war serial is really weird though you just keep expecting him to say something funny here and there. So there i've been entertaining myself with dvds, can't imagine life without them.

John F Kennedy once said that the courage of life is a mixture of triumph and tragedy, I'm starting to think maybe i'm living the tragedy part all at once right now. Moderated results will be out tmr, it's not exactly within my control so no point worrying I guess.

Met ephraim for lunch today and I read a book while he studied at mac. A bunch of irritating primary school kids came in and it was so funny just sitting there and listening to them. They were on the topic of babies, okay I know this is too cliche and classic to be not plucked out of some local drama but it's true, they were talking about where babies came from. the theory was that sperms carried oxygen and the babies in the eggs stated breathing. Yes I was sprawled all over the table especially with the little kid's matter-of-fact tone in place.

The year's coming to an end, I've been thinking so much has changed since I left RV and entered AC. For some good and a lot of worse. It's interesting when you recall some thoughts and opinions you had of people at the start of the year and compare it to those you have at present. how things you would never expect have happened and then think of all the different what if scenarios. What if I had been in another class what if i haven't quit CF, what if I haven't met so and so and what I would do without so and so etc etc and at the end of the day agree with the voice at the back of your head reminding you how time's a bitch that never turns back and you just gotta continue on the road you've picked at one point in time or another. Wouldn't it be nice to have save points in life like in RPG games? You could always load and go back to where you started and take the alternative path. it would be nice but oh well I'm happy with the way life is teaching me things this way, not like I have a choice but for the record I'm happy with learning from choices.

Yesterday a friend told me how looks are nearly everything when looking for a steady or whatever and asked me "wouldn't you go for a pretty girl instead of a not so pretty one?" I mean yes i would because appearance is a big part of first impressions but it never has and never will outweigh traits like say having a brain once second and third impressions have been put in place. In fact I've grown to find intelligence, not in an academic sense but sort of like ability to rationalise, very attractive. Kind of glad AC is full of pretty girls coz it makes looks less outstanding and easier to look past.

So I'm off to enjoy the rest of my night before the tragic result slip comes tmr.

left the front door open

2005-10-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

so walk right in.

Friends should do that, and not wait to be asked in. Small acts of initiative show a lot of concern and i guess that means a lot in a friendship doesn't it. I like a friend who'll take the first step to get involved in my life and today I just realised how it was important that I be such a friend as well. Met up with the rv guys for soccer and realised how detached I've grown from them and i'm so mad at myself for having neglected this group of wonderful friends. It's the first time I've met up since exams ended. Always waiting for them to call me for soccer when I should be the one taking the initiative to ask if they're playing. alright my bad.

So I've been thinking and sulking about my results, especially while knowing there'll be moderation. I've gotten a bare pass so i'll promote but it doesn't really look like I'll be keeping my four subs so basically there's nothing in it for me and moderation is just gonna make my report card look a wee bit better. Yes I'm just sore that moderation is gonna be the difference for so many people but not for me.

Church was about BGR and love yesterday. So I've been flirting with the ideas of living life in the temporal recently and so what's so good about marriage? Let's take the societ with the highest saturation of christians for example, America. 50% of marriages end in divorce there, so why aim for marriage? According to the speaker yesterday, all relationships not aimed at marriage would end up in break-ups. Why not? I mean at least we know where we're headed. it's not like it's any difficulty to find someone else who doesn't go into a relationship for marriage as well these days. I'm not talking temporal pleasures condemned by the bible like sex I mean what's in it is company, emotional intimacy and all that. As long as both parties are prepared I think it's ok, it's like eating chocolate and knowing you'll get fat. Doesn't go against the bible too.

I want to enter into a 360 degrees change, but all you end up doing is turning around and realising that you're still the same person you used to be. I guess it's more about making others like that person than changing him.

hey stranger

2005-10-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

have you ever had someone who you're not really close to and only known for a while and started talking to her as if you've known each other for ages? It's not like flirting or picking up people it's different like a sort of weird closeness. Feels so warm and nice when such a thing happens. And again seriously it is not like flirting or picking up people at a bar it's not even headed anywhere near sex or dating.

ok so I now know that I've failed maths, I don't know by what margin but i failed and that sucks.I am pissed off I am so sure now that I'm gonna have to drop a subject which doesn't just suck but is fucked up. Probably gonna get wasted on friday night after receiving the results.

had the tougest training today ever in my life. I like the new teacher-in-charge, he's out to win something for the team and pushes us like hell. I know I won't regret putting in the hours to sharpen my soccer skills and it's in all that madness that the team seemed really together, something not seen for some time already.

Someone once said that we always talk about wanting to do this and that but by the time we decide to actually start doing it it's too late. That's just so true, procrastination is a big enemy. Living life on a sense of impulse can be great. It's like skipping all the rationalising and stupid concerns which we have and just living out whatever you feel like. I think it adds so much more to our life. Homer Simpson lives on impulse and look how that turned out. I hate a boring life.

I read a book recently about how our lives only occur once and not again and again and thus we do not have a previous life or next life to compare with this one, hence our lives cannot become better and better. The author then reasons that because of this we might as well not live our lives meaningfully but indulge in temporary pleasures like and especially sex and orgasms. You won't get a chance to know how your life could be better anyway right? So today I was thinking about it and decided that Jesus has the answer to this, we live our lives not so that it would change and better our next life but we live it to affect the other lives around us, like he did. I felt stupid to miss out how the theory in the book was being totally selfish. So there I was kinda enlightened.

Post Promos Stress

2005-10-17T21:43:00.000-07:00

ok I'm back on blog sorry for the delay in revival due to a mad computer and 72 hours.

Right so I'll start from where I left off. Promos. Ack. Didn't go very well so i don't think I'll be kepping four subjects, will probably drop physics. The results will be out this friday.fingers crossed.

So the dreadful examination period is over but I've got a load on my mind heavier than any textbooks will ever be. Relationships with people, the church and soccer are totally blowing my mind off.

So much of the time we think about how people have been disappointing and picking out little imperfections about them but what if one day you wake up to realise that you've been the disappointment? I've been doing so much wrong in dealing with people especially those I do not like. Maybe i've really become more and more like the person who I've spent all this while condemning. Who would have known we would swap places. I'm pretty pissed with myself leaving the backdoor open like that. It's never easy to admit you're wrong and it's even harder to ask for forgiveness but I guess I'd have to give it a shot, there's no other way to answer to myself besides doing that.Hope time will do the rest.

We always learn things the hard way, the easy way just doesn't get the messages across. we'll never appreciate things till we've lost them and appreciation is one important ingredient in a friendship. And yes I learnt it the hard way. It feels terrible to stray unintentionally from a close friend and trust is one thing that you can't get back without losing some each time it's broken. oh wow another addition to my list of fucked up relations.

I've taken so much comfort in church and in cell recntly, more than I have ever. Probably because of the couple of strained relations in school but also because the church is a place where i can live as who I want to be and not who I am presently. Speaking so much about wanting to become a better person, i soon realised that I needed to actually start living it at some point in time and church has really provided me the opportunity. Yes it's not easy entering into a 360 degrees change in school and everyday life with all the people who know you so well. At some point of time though I'll have to start being betetr in daily lie as well and I'm giving in fully to the temptation of procrastination on this matter.

Finally, soccer is driving me nuts, I'm not enjoying it anymore. Competition is killing the beautiul game, at least for me. Pressure to perform is sky high and everything about the team since to be adding on to the stress level. Once in a lifetime yes, but i would want the opportunity only if it's a once in a lifetime chance to play alongside people and enjoy the game. love and brotherhood in soccer team is such bullshit, it's so far from that it makes so many of us look like politicians. And since we're in a compulsary state of unity(meaning we have to play as a team), I'm starting to wonder if I want to win it with this team. I don't really feel that much desire to, and that's just because i just have no love for this team. I'm sure so many of them feel the same way too with all the talk of wanting to win something for personal glory and fame and whatever else. To put it simply we are not a unit but seperate pieces of jigsaw which as far as I can tell don't even fit in the same puzzle.

So there's a summary of everything that's going on in my head right now. We had some farewell party for j2s yesterday as a cell. Rather pleased with the event since the j1s planned it and it went on smoothly. Kind of scary to see how stressed out they are right now and I'm just 12 months away from it. life sucks doesn't it. Anyway I got to know some people better and I'm rather happy about it.

There, an ending on a happy note.

Announcement

2005-08-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

Blog will be closed for 54 days to study for promos.

Will revive on 15th october

fishing

2005-08-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

Not literally. but figuratively like fishing for compliments and fishing for people to ask certain questions so that one can tell others about something that he's been wanting to talk about and fishing for certain comments yeah u get the idea. It happens all around us but when should we say what they want to hear? I usually can tell when a person is fishing but a lot of times I just don't ask what they want to be asked on purpose. I feel as stupid as a,well, fish if i give in. But sometimes when people are fishing for compliments i would give excess just to watch their ego grow. I think I'm just being an asshole hahaha. Obviously I hate it when people beat around the bush.

Monday blues it is especially after chelsea won last night muahaha I slept like 5 hours last night and was half-asleep halfway through the day. Today was also a day full of adult angst about the national day rally.

ok here's what I think, I would never understand till the day i have to pay taxes. I listened to the talk though and the one thing I felt really WHATEVER about was the examples he quotes about ITE and poly people being able to attain success and making it sound like it's at the same rate as people in JC and universities. get real. more than half the people in polys and ITEs would go to jcs if they had a choice and L1R5 to do so. He makes it sound like the people in ITE and polys are as good as jc people. Seriously I cannot stand it that he does not give credit where it is due.People work their asses off to get to JC maybe they should stop focusing so much on the bulk of the people who end up(mind you I said end up not choose) to be in poly and start bothering about the people who can actually be worth bothering about. Life being cruel, hmm what's new? Why try to make it equal for everybody? To make it equal for everyone is to be unfair to everyone.

I have decided to start doing interval runs before training every wednesday in a bid to improve my stamina. I forsee a scenario. When I make a mistake or something like that during trainins, I will get the "do intervals den u end up too tired to train properly". Granted i may make mistakes due to fatigue but normally when I'm not as sharp people don't say too much. My point being? That i can see people thinking that every mistake I make is due to me being tired. And that's not true. So i'll then get very pissed off when i hear such remarks. i just want to push myself more that's all.

Plus, at this rate I don't think AC soccer will make it anywhere. Compared to how other JCs train our training is like a warm-up. It's easy to blame the coach but after doing it for sometime myself, I realised that it's easy to put the blame but after that I've still have to come up with a practical solution. So if the coach doesn't push me I'll push myself. I mean what can i expect? A division football isn't a once in a lifetime thing for the coach anyway he'll never understand.

2-0

2005-08-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

yea we lost =( but I thought I played rather ok plus the two goals were really really stupid goals.

Wa lau first time back to church and I'm feeling so bloody exhausted after the whole day.

Not gonna blog too much just that today we had to do some planning exercise. Setting long term goals and all that nonsense. Seriously I never believed in planning for your life and setting goals. Setting a goal of 3As is not counted because studying is already a course of action chosen when you chose to go to jc. What I'm talking about is planning courses of actions. I don't think planning is good. It is giving your life a framework which is totally what this boring world is all about,being within the box. Why can't we just take things as they come? There would be so much more room for creativity then. Anyway i just don't believe in planning and mentally rehearsing your life beforehand.

I feel my cell group has become too huge. The size is no longer within comfortable range were people can really get down to interacting.

I really feel like getting the real mercurial vapour, it's going at 160 which i pretty expensive still but I really want it.

Yet Another Friday

2005-08-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

the end of yet another school week. promos are drawing that that that much closer. scary shit o.O

Feeling a bit sneezy now probably because of the soccer in the rain yesterday. It was during PE and it rained like mad.i don't remember what came over us but we felt like playing soccer so 3 other guys from my class along with 2 girls from the combined PE class played inthe rain. Haha it was like so much fun we were laughing like mad. Which brings me to how much I miss chor-lor girls. Can't really find many in ac and it's been a long time since I've seen girls join in such crazy stuff. I dun like prissy girls, at all.I just feel they are like everything tat meets the eye. I dun really care when some prissy princess dresses up to go to town coz they're always dressing up and all but I think chor-lor girls really look great doing everything. i think it's the natural factor about it and the confidence that comes with them not being all girly and pretty for people to see. Plus they are normally so much much more fun to hang out with.Oh well I may just be generalising but I can really kinda relate this to girls like 90% of the time. Yes of course there are exceptions!

ok let's come back from the worthwhile sidetrack about my taste in the opposite gender.

Our stupid lit tutor is being replaced by some strict teacher for 2 weeks. So i had to be listening to othello (yes othello) . I think the heroes of the past are too heroic. Wait wtf that didn't make sense.As in they are a little too perfect,like how superheroes in cartoons are. I think the modern hero is one that has evolved and is one that overcomes flaws instead of being born without them. it's like how courage isn't the absence of fear but the ability to face fear. Mariah Carey sang hero and quoting the lyrics "you'll finally see the truth, that a hero lies in you" interesting change from the one in a million superhero of the past to the hero in everyone of the present.

but then again, the everyone-can-be-a-hero concept is only feasible because of the old idea of the hero being one in a million. I think someday in the future people will get bored of the idea when it has become cliche and then the superhero idea will come again. Interesting cycle isn't it, though I like the present view since it's more optimistic haha.

I really want to perform well in tmr's match. i cannot stand it that people are giving me the "you're only gonna play because the first choice winger is injured" it really pisses me off that people say things like that be it in a subtle or straightforward manner. It's not ego it's player confidence I mean how can you ever put a player down like that. It may be true but I just cannot stand receiving THE LOOK. Just hope i can put the ball in the net or something to shut them up. So I better play if not I'll really be disappoined.

Recently I've been doing something erm irritating if you'd like to call it. I never used to have people ask before stealing a fry or taking a sip of my drink but maybe in jc people are more polite and well-mannered or wadever. So whenever they ask I say no. haha but they will end up taking it anyway so i can be like "what's the point of asking when you will take it anyway" I dislike being asked rethorical questions plus anyway friends shouldn't be so ke qi.

jelly

2005-08-17T22:40:00.000-07:00

jelly is good It's like the midpoint between ice-cream and sweets.

Training was ok I guess since I really felt I put in a lot of effort in it. There's nothing much I can do really except that right? There's a game against temasek jc on saturday, hope I get to play and hope it doesn't rain.

Nothing interesting about school today except for some guy getting confronted because of some stuff he said. I think he is such an idiot. He said stuff like he was gonna beat up who and who and whoever that attempts to make trouble with him. He self proclaimed to be the "biggest fuck" in the school and he thinks people are speaking bad about him all the time because they are jealous of him. From that summary it is obvious that this is bloody hilarious. Adding to the fact that he isn't much of a sumo wrestler or anything like that.

Why are people that insercure? they have to make an issue out of nothing just to be known or something. I kind of pity such people really. And him proclaiming to be the "biggest fuck" turns me off totally not mentioning that the two words don't seem logical at all but i kinda get what he's trying to announce. I mean respect is something which is weird, the more you ask for it the lesser of it you get. in other words, respected and popular figures don't have to go around promoting themselves. Just for the record i don't even know the guy, oh wait isn't he the big fuck around school? I rest my case.

I don't believe CF is inviting non christians to their clubbing-is-bad talk. I mean seriously it's not gonna make them stop.It would only be seen as CF's way of justifying their own actions (ie. not clubbing) to the rest of the non christian world. And here's the ironic part, why justify your actions to others when God is the only one who judges? I think the CF is retarded.

I'm returning to church and cell this weekend. I met ephriam on the train and he told me some demon-possessed girl joined our cell. She screams during worship and basically behaves a lot like some gothic mental patient.Oh and dresses goth too. eerie. I'm not all excited to see her or anything in fact I'm quite scared the thing would come onto me or something like that. I mean it's too dangerous to have something like that in a jc cell with all the young people shouldn't she be put in like more spiritually experienced people?

doh! I missed simpsons today.

Wake me up

2005-08-15T23:35:00.000-07:00

when september starts.

I'd had it with school work I'm going to go full speed from now on. I had enough of being behind.At least I won't be having regrets if I have to drop one subject in the end. 7 weeks and counting to promos.

There's a highly infectious disease around called competition. It's symptoms include withdrawal of information regarding time spent and in bad cases even lying about time spent. Purpose? To put others paces behind oneself in order to score relatively better grades in the eventual promos.

Competition is anything but healthy from what I can observe around me. It spreads like a disease. Competition begets competition but it does not justify tit for tat methods to attempt to keep people far behind you. "I was so damn busy the whole weekend I totally did nothing at all" --few lessons later-- *takes out completed tutorial when teacher asks for it*

I've always hated people who play down their own academic progress. It's like those sickening people who always say they'd fail a test and score really well for it in the end? Yeah that's something like what I'm talking about. What am I going to do about competition? Keep up with it without attempting to pull down others just so I can do so.

Competition begets competition how awfully true that is. I am totally in race mode now.

It's really scary how people deal with unlikable characters by eventually evolving into them as well. The worst case of if-you-can't-beat-them-join-them I have ever seen.

I miss rv.

sigma notation

2005-08-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

I think it looks like some damn cool tatoo or some secret symbol of an illegal cult or something. It's kinda the shape of a nice alphabet too. Right so obviously I've been hitting the books this weekend. Ok not really but at least I did study a bit.

Signs is showing on channel 5 now almost everyone I know is watching it. Except me of course since I've lost faith in the slow moving american brand of horror films since dunno when. Yes, I'm pro-sadako and anti-The ring. They just don't get it in hollywood do they.

I think parenthood which starts above the age of 20 should be banned for the bloody generation gap it creates. i totally hate being nagged at and hearing ridiculously retarded cliche ideas that most students use the computer to study and do projects and sarcastic remarks like my work load seemed to have decreased from primary to secondary school and then to jc. what the bloody fuck man i think teen parenthood should be encourages just for the fact parents would then understand their kids better, or at all for that matter. Go underaged fucking without condoms!

I can't believe I just typed that.

I've had some sparstic media to laugh at this weekend. The wang wang ad where the boy was talking to the sun wukong in the television is really worth checking out if you happen to be doing pw on improvement of tv commercials. On the stupidity scale of one to ten i would rate it an eleven. Another thing is the latest 5566 song. It totally sounds like some chinese new year lion dance accompaniment. i heard it over 933 last night and almost flipped out of my bed.

Choices are something we make everyday. but how many times do we end up regretting them? I don't think there is such a thing as a wrong choice. Every decision we make is a right choice. It's right because we have to learn from it even if it is the "wrong" choice and I don't believe in life being too short for regrets. get real. Regret has been, is and will always be part of our life. Yup eve invented it for us when she took the damned apple. ah what was wrong with the oranges and other fruits (see regret?). There are two types of people usually when u make a "wrong choice" and go to them for advice. The "I told you so" and the "no point regretting la". The second kind is total bullshit. I believe in a third type of response. the understanding the person's choice and giving practical what-to-do-next steps. People who try to comfort others regetting choices are really not hitting the point. wait why did I even write this? oh coz i'm sick of reading "comforting" tags on I've-been-hurt-recently blog entries. Good for you, please regret it and learn from it.

So given the turn-back-time scenario? I would make the same "wrong" choice because I get to regret and learn from it. We learn most things the hard way in this cruel world anyway don't we? Then again I still love giving the "I told you so" just to suan people haha. oh well sometimes it's good to rub it in to allow someone to remember the lesson right?

Premiership has started ogays.

exciting entry!

2005-08-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

ah sorry for the stupid chick-blog-like-what-happened-today entry hahaha..eh the one time I write some dumb crap den kenna suan!

I totally cannot believe myself that I kinda dao-ed my friend over some petty stuff(ok maybe not petty but still) when she's going through such shit.ok so what I found out was not what you thought I found out. She seemed more normal than ever though. ok enough with the inside stuff

Have been thinking about the idea of complementation and compromise. Would you rather mix with someone who complements you or one who compromises himself for you? most of the time we go for people who complement our own character because it's just less trouble since there's not a lot of effort involved in geting yourself to like them. Yet there are people around us with whom our personalities conflict yet take the effort to compromise us. Coming to think of it, aren't these people making more effort to treasure a friendship? That's maybe why a lot of times people realise after awhile that there are actually a lot of people out of their circle of favour who care and are nice to them as well. maybe I'm just rambling but look it's true. Therefore relationships often start on high points when people feel their partners fully complement themselves but it's when they hit the rocks and realise they they cannot compromise that they end up on a break. What a I trying to imply? maybe the person u think is the perfect one will not turn out as a fantastic relationship partner. instead it's those whom are not that perfect that will last you a lifetime through a good amount of compromise =)

I walk down the street.
There is a hole.
I don't see it.
I fall in.
It isn't my fault.
It takes a very long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is still a deep hole.
I pretend not to see it.
I fall in.
I pretend it's still not my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is still the same deep hole.
I see it.
I fall in anyway.
It's a habit.
I get out quicker this time.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole.
I see it.
I walk around it.
I don't fall in.
I walk down a different street.

Again on the theme of life and all not being about perfection but about progress and compromise. I like the poem I think it's damn inspiring. We can't all live up to God's expectations and it feels good to know that we're allowed to stumble time and time again before finally getting it.ok I know it doesn't give me an excuse to stumble but it just makes me feel less bad about it.

I've been switching company quite a bit in school life be it everyday stuff and cca. I feel like I'm being so ac, not having close and steady friends but having them here there and everywhere. I think personal and private time with every single friend is very important coz it's like really when you get to know and show the person how much u care which is impossible to tell in the midst of the sickeningly hectic jc life.

Contentment is the death of improvement. hmm how true is that? yet the bible tells us to be content. funny .

back to school

2005-08-12T00:04:00.000-07:00

know what I like about school? Yeah I don't either. school sucks day one back to school and uber stressed out and there's a physics test already on day two.

I failed chem test ah wait what's new. Though I cld have gotten more marks if jing hadn't been using my calculator during the test for so long that I had to do my sum with a rounded up value.oh well I don't really care la All i've got in my sights now is promos.

Today was a rush-back-home-right-after-school day so nothing exciting really happened. i'm so glad I have soccer and training to look forward to I'm also super grateful for my fun class that's making school a teeny bit less of a chore.

I have to stop taking super long naps omg I slept from 630 to 10 just now. What a bloody waste of time. oh and i happened to watch a bit of the channel 8 crap drama serial. Singapore drama serials are seriously cmi to the limit. there are two types of bad guys. Those who keep blaming others but repent and are forgiven in the end and those who don't repent in the end. Then there's the long lost parent-child scenario where the child always finds it super hard to accept the parent and all that nonsense. i hope the children at orphanages don't watch channel 8 it'll just totally turn them off for sure. I really find it impossible to believe that the media can one day come up with something more realistic and the day controversy is included in their production I would really give a standing ovation or something.

I'm having a mental block now don't have anything else to blog about oh crap bloddy physics.

what's the longest word on earth? smiles. it has a mile between the first and last alphabet haha.

national day! rolls eyes

2005-08-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

oh yeah like whatever I didn't even bother to catch the parade.oh wait I'm making it sound as if I'm obliged to hmm let me rephrase that I didn't watch the parade. Caught a glimpse though from all the news after that. The sickening pictures showing young and old of all races smiling and pointing to the sky when the whatever it is flew past sheesh don't they get bored after what 40 years? I'm bored already after 17 years.

Kelly was pointing out how I wasn't being patriotic hmm I guess then it doesn't take much nowadays to be called a patriot. Then again ever since the end of world war 2 there was no really patriotic stuff left to do.Attending the parade wow that's love for your country ok then after the parade people leave their rubbish and crap all over the place my oh my why doesn't the news capture that part. Yes i am very very disgusted by media attention on cliche scenes of "patriotism" all that singing in 4 languages bullshit is really just bullshit. I think a good fireworks display would be better appreciated.oh wait half the patriots there attend the damn thing just for the fireworks.

ok just me rambling.

I skipped training today coz my foot's not well yet. gonna go study with linxin so long since I last saw her.

eat and sleep

2005-08-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

that about sums up my day kinda fucking boring day with the most exciting thing being the simpsons.

Oh well I rather this than be in school celebrating national day sheesh like there's anything to be happy about. I watched discovery channel just now and saw this programme about space colonies and how we are all gonna live in space in the future. The colonies are like big bubbles which are supposed to be self sufficient for some long period of time. I didn't know that such an experiment had actually gone on in a certain desert on earth where people lived in this enclosed space. it's kinda interesting too when they say they'd bring animals and insects into space too so it's like shipping mother nature too. Too bad we'll all be long dead before we will get to experience such cool stuff. I bet by that time they'll be like talking about earth like some loser slums area like "oh my god i watched a show about people who lived on earth last time I totally laughed my ass off i mean they never got to see stars up close" hahaha oh well

Everybody makes mistakes. That's why there are erasers on pencils.

awwww

2005-08-08T01:13:00.000-07:00

I dun really appreciate the deja-vu of this entry.Right so i just got back from festival of praise and am blogging late at night and not going to school tmr haha.

Went with zacharoy and kyna! ahahaha it was like damn bloody good and we had super good seats today. Seriously hillsongs rocks la Delirious also the guy's voice is damn good.we were jumping like mad in that cramped up area i think i dislocated my knee slightly o.O

The rest of my day was spent sleeping haha woke up at like 2pm in the afternoon.

right so chelsea won the charity shield! ahahah so sad that I missed the match but hillsongs was worth it.

U know how there are times when u don't ever think you could find someone like a certain somebody? And then someone crosses your path and behaves totally like the certain somebody? It's really cool.

I think telling people to think out of the box is becoming a cliche. hmm the little ironies of life.

one way jesus

2005-08-06T23:58:00.000-07:00

you're the only one that I could live for

amen to that.how true it is that when all else fails the lord is always there for me. Went to festival of praise with kyna and cyrena today it was really great and definitely worth the 3 hour queue. hillsong really rocked.stupid cyrena waited until last minute den appear and i was queueing with kyna in the super hot sun just to chop seats for her.oh well nvm I forgive her muahhaa.

I feel like going for the final night tmr but it'll surely end at like midnight and there's school on monday.which reminds me I so want to skip school on monday but ksk demands that we get an mc and parents' letters will not be accepted.what the fuck is wrong with her all the other classes accept letters I seriously hate her.

I got my foot injured during training today. Dunno why so suey can injure the same spot twice. Gomez and randy both stepped on my right foot until i think the tendons inside are bruised or torn. I totally couldn't shoot with my right foot and had to use my left foot for shooting practice what a bloody waste.

Just now while waiting at the busstop with kyna on the way home, we saw this whole gang of techno trishaws screaming down the road. So funny la stupid lao pok vehicles blasting techno music den each one a different song den all in a group. We laughed until peng man.

pw is so boring

2005-08-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

omg i finally got involved in my pw group discussion during pw period and I realised that they are kinda still at square one.
meaghan: omg really?? i thought they would be damm ahead without you!!! ahahahaha k sorrie.
kelly:haha duh bryan is like how useless and retarded lahh. their grp should just kick him out and they may just pass borderline. humph. i hate you/ sound familiar??? hahahas

ok so anyway I just organised their work for them like kinda telling them how we should do things and I am slacking already.At least I did a significant thing.

ok meaghan is the ugly girl in my class and kelly is the uglier girl in my class they want to guest blog.

*drumroll* ahem sorry WE are not ugly. at least we're more blessed than bryan in the looks department =)))) ( it's n ij thing and rv is not included ) so aniwae we're having pw now with ksk at the end of the row nagging at yi peng about dropping lit. poor guy.

I seriously think ksk is super long winded. She goes on and onnnnnnn about the same point and sometimes she doesn't even hit the point. that was bryan. we took a break cos ksk was talking to us bout our pw. sooo annoying.

bryan is our classmate. we hate him. whoever reads tis shld boycott his blog forever ( unless we are forever guest bloggers ) he's mean, rude, vulgar. in other words, not worthy to be our fren.
crap we haf phy lect now.. we would have continued but we cant =( but aniwae, we still accept bryan's unconditional love for the 2 nicest classmates in the world =)

ironic

2005-08-04T18:01:00.000-07:00

yep title says it all. I witnessed the funniest scene this morning. After assembly all the teachers were called to a certain room for a meeting.i was standing outside the meeting room and saw how teachers totally behaved like students. I could hear the "can everyone please settle down and keep quiet" from inside the hub and that is so like us going into a lecture theatre.

Then we saw a group of teachers not in the meeting room.We looked at them in a aren't-you-supposed-to-be-in-there way and they were like are we supposed to be there? oh nevermind let's go before they see us. i mean LOL. And guess where the teachers went to. The canteen to eat and talk. Just like us when we skip a lecture! it's like totally swap of roles man.And these are the same people from whom we are supposed to learn from.

ok besides that the rest of the day was pretty much boring lessons and walking around half-awake looking forward only to that 40 min recess when we could whine about the day.wait isn't there a bit of a deja-vu here? The only interesting lesson was lit. Miss netty is leaving us next year gosh that totally sucks she's like the best lit teacher ever and so nice to bully too. She bought us orgasmic royce chocolate but there was so little in the box everyone was breaking the already tiny piece into even microscopic bits. The chocolate was good though and we spent the whole lesson eating and talking crap.

I need to seriously catch up on work during the national day break.

oh my gawddd

2005-08-03T00:04:00.000-07:00

it's august already! Promos are so dman bloody near I am actually freaking bloody scared to hell.Just had a wake up call from one of my friend.I used to keep pace with her in studies but she's doing like damn well in her jc now and I'm doing like shit omg. Time to WAKE UP

my e4 lit assignment is pissing me off argh..e1 nd e8 done so near yet so far.This is the period that lit kills me every term the time when the 3 assignments come. I'll be so done with them this week and yay lit will be back to the normal slack and no homework mode.

I seriously cannot wait for training to come tmr. It is like the only meaningful part of school life la.Without soccer I would really be totally bored of this stupid life.Plus there are so many arrogant bastards out there whom i really wanna prove wrong.

AC is such a face place *words rhyme in emphasis*(haha ok too much lit)I hear comments like this person is loser that person is so no life I mean what's wrong man you don't fault a person for that at least not in front of her or her friends.Maybe talking like that about people you don't really know is more harmless but about your friedns? that totally sucks. People want to befriend people just because they are more popular and less "loser".who defines loser anyway I'd bet there are people out there who can define it in another way and make these people sound like losers as well. It's just about how you look at it wad. I hate image conscious people who pretend to be what they are not and never will be. Sometimes I take a look around me and there are only that many sincere people around.I hate people with this sort of dispicable character even when they are nice to me. i mean I really totally despise them.

weekend

2005-07-31T23:09:00.000-07:00

oh weee my biggest accomplishment this weekend is finishing my e8 lit essay! omg and I did it in like less than 2 hours I am so damn bloody proud of myself.

Soccer was great yesterday the two sided game was very long. I like playing the match more than doing all those drills. Anyway 3 people got cut I thought one of them shouldn't have been though I thought he was pretty good as a defender. oh well it's all up to the coach who is ever-missing I might just find myself cut soon too who knows.

Spent much of saturday rotting at home after training.

This morning I played soccer with rv people. It's such a cool thing that we have 4 different rv generations at the street court every sunday. My batch is the youngest batch then there are 3 batches above us who also play same time same day. It's really a wonderful thing I mean these were all the seniors in the school when I entered it at sec one who knew we would be playing soccer together 4 years down the road. I mean when we were sec one all they did was laugh at us and all like how people usually treat sec oners. I seriously think this is damn cool and should carry on but the batch after mine doesn't seem to frequent that street court so maybe it'll just end at my batch. i love spending my sunday mornings speaking mandrian.

Went to study with zacharoy just now haha that's when I chiong finish my lit essay.

Was watching csi before this it was like freaking scary la the guy was being eaten alive by fire ants. ouch how painful is that.

I seriously hate being nagged at honestly it doesn't get to me it just irritates the hell out of me.

Look I am not backsliding i'm just taking time off to figure stuff out. it's like when you aim a piece of thrash at a dustbin and it misses and u spend that 3 seconds with both the angel and the devil in your head one telling you to pick it up and the other telling you to just be on your way. Just that this time it's on a bigger scale and I need more than 3 seconds to think. I'm giving the devil time to put thoughts in my head yes but I am also opening all the same to god so there. Anyway I usually pick up the thrash in the end so maybe it'll b the same after all.

catch up

2005-07-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

oh yay today I ponned school to catch up on work and sleep. Went to study at kap with meaghan if u haven't already guessed, she ponned school also hahaha. did most of the homework that i am lagging behind in so feel kinda good now. i heard they had the complain session about au yt today too bad i missed it. Au is my chem teacher and somebody in the class wrote in to the school to complain about her so the HOD came to our class today to talk to us and find out more ie give us a chance to bomb her like mad. ah oh well good for her i wasn't there I would surely have a lot to say about that stupid teacher.

I went to school at about 4 for (aliteration haha) basketball training. Just got home tired as hell. Tmr soccer's having a cut again I really hope some people go and hope some people get to stay so kinda exciting haha.

I dunnoe if I can cope with two sport ccas and 4 subs but I hope I can but I will have to pon school to catch up constantly so expect to see less of me on wednesdays haha.

I almost forgot

2005-07-28T07:51:00.000-07:00

what it feels like to win. ok so yesterday training was great for me it was the first time my team had won the 2 sided match since training started. That win meant so much to me.

Anyway yesterday was a bullshit day the lessons were so crap.

Today is bio spa so I'm going to school late.not because I have bio spa but because they wun catch me if I pretend to be a bio student and I can escape the dc and pon pe. I thought I would sleep till later but dunnoe why wake up so early. oh well.

I've got 3 more weeks away from church to sort things out about my faith and the irony of this is that I feel god is helping me in this.

hahaha yesterday shoshi came up with a nice racist move. when the indian speaks especially in strong acent, he would say "read the subtitles" lol i thought it was really funny.oh right and I got a haircut.Why do people like asking "yo cut your hair?" when it is so obvious?After a while i got sick of it and started telling people I went for chemotherapy zzz.

Time to wash up for school.

backsliding

2005-07-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

I am not backsliding. My spiritual level has always been there and it has never really improved. The doubts are still there from when I started and it just kind of surfaced coz basically I don't enjoy cell at all and I am bored to hell during service simply,I'm saying church sucks. Problem with cell is nobody treats me seriously I'm just like some joker and they are all very holy and I am very pressured and dare not share a lot of stuff with them. Yes I have a second fucked up messed up life full of backstabbing gossiping discrimination and everything that the bible condemns except maybe sex and murder.oh wait then again maybe just no murder. nobody in church can understand my life except maybe one or two depending on the canoeing season.yes you are half the people that know me at all in church. Still it isn't your fault that am feeling this way now I mean I have to face this problem sooner or later so might as well have it now. Today I was super cynical pointing out people from christian fellowship who aren't singing during chapel and then i attempted to read da vinci code during the message. oh well we'll see how things go after the one month break from church maybe I'll not even return.Sometimes I wish everything dan brown says is right. I believe in progress not perfection.Maybe jesus wasn't all perfect himself.

Today was crap. ok 99 percent because of the weather. I was so excited to play basketball and it rained then we went to gym. btw did I mention how i really hate AC teachers? Especially the science departments which are so useless. taking A level in ACJC trains one's self-studying skills more than anything else. So tmr is spa I wanna cheat but I don't really know the people from triple science combi who are in the first shift so zzz.

Just now something interesting happened.

Reasonably pretty girl walks up and asks if i understand chinese. I said yes and the following was in mandrian

girl: my grandma's in hospital I need 2 dollars to take an mrt there can u please help me?
me(feeling skeptical and horny): I don't have 2 bucks but I can ask my mum to give you a ride I'm going to NUH area too she's waiting at the carpark nearby
girl: oh ok I'd really like that thank you
me: ok that was just bullshit to test if you really wanted to go there or were just out to cheat money here's two dollars.
girl (looks insulted) : do i look like a con-girl to you?
me: they're usually quite pretty so I would say u look like one
girl (smiles and picks up stone from floor): here's a magic stone for you
me: my fever's going away already
girl:whatever I gtg bye
me: now my fever really is going away :( bye

haha i thought that was interesting. gotta admit she does have an attitude though.

lazing around

2005-07-24T23:24:00.000-07:00

that's what I have been doing the whole day ahhh life in singapore sure is boring it's like by the time you get your PSLE results life is already planned out for you.oh my hhow bland is that and it sucks that everybody knows that,complains about it and still do nothing about it in the end.just like me.Wouldn't it be fun to just quit school now and do something I mean like live a different life I think if only enough people start doing it more and more people will dare to try it and this world would be so much more fun.Question is who's gonna stick his neck out and be the first to try?

I watched quite a lot of mtv today I think some programmes are really crap.Maybe it's not the idea of the programme that sucks I think it's more the participants.Especially with those mystery date kind of programmes.oh well people who sign up for those are usually boring right? I mean why do they need to sign up for this sort of matchmaking shit if they had a personality in the first place so there it proves my point.

I wanna watch the island but I just can't find time to. I think being somebody's clone is a cool concept. Damn I need more than 24 hours a day my life is passing at light speed man it sucks seriously and before I know it I'll be 20+ and past my prime oh god why do we have to study so much when we're at our prime? I think people should have like 4 years of holiday from 16-20 years of age. then again the kiasu ones would start studying and everyone else would start doing the same. I think the government should exile all people between 16-20 to some exotic land where they make love all day(with condoms) and then come back and start studying again at 20.

I watched the simpsons today. It's seriously damn funny especially the discriminatory parts towards canadians and brits. homer was jailed in london and he prayed aloud to the god of england to let him go and he promised to spell color with a "u" hahaha i thought that part was funny. The brits are pictured as living in some shakespherian era and they still watch Mcbeth and othello. Oh which reminds me I just finished my othello assignment! i love the feeling of completing a lit essay.